Seems a shame to waste them...

We decided to use, maybe, our last 2 vials of sperm, knowing very well that there's almost no chance, but really just thinking about those vials and thinking, well, you never know.  We have done one round already a month or so back, and the center managed to thaw half a vial....that round was a BFN so we now have 1 and a half vials left!

I must admit I am still in two minds. Part of me thinks there is another soul out there for our family. And the other part of me wants to get myself back, and not go through another period of the total dependency of a baby. So even after our unsuccessful last attempt and the fact that my eggs are probably on their last legs, so to speak, we are not rushing in to another round. Or maybe we will. One day I will get my period and we might just say, let's do it now.

My last update, goodbye to the blogosphere!

I gave birth to our second miracle boy 4 months ago, and we couldn't be happier. After a pregnancy full of strong Braxton-Hicks conctractions, and many early labor scares, little one decided to wait until my planned CS date after all, and all went smoothly.

So it's over and out from me. After 15 fresh IVFs and one FET, we are not planning on having any more kids! And I never wanted this blog to be about my kids, but just about the journey to create our family, so there it is. I hope that it can give hope to whoever needs it. It has been an epic journey, and full of pain, uncertainty, despair, and finally joy and disbelief. I wouldn't change a minute of it, since it led me to my precious two boys. Our family is complete. 

6w3d, another miracle!

This is bean! Who, amazingly, has a beating heart. I am in love.  How did this happen after that rocky beta number? Who knows. I wish I had never done beta no. 3. But wow! I am so grateful for today.

IVF # 15....beta hell again

IVF # 15 was our best cycle for a long time. We transferred 3 perfect morulas and one straggler on day 4, and I was not too surprised when the first beta came back positive. At 11dp4dt it was not a huge number, 148, but pretty solid, and when beta number 2 shot up to 395 in 48 hours I thought things were going great. Then Mic persuaded me to go and do another beta yesterday, and I really wish I hadn't now. It went up to 906 72 hours later, giving a doubling time of 60.5 hours. I cried and cried yesterday, more than I have for a long time. But as usual, I have pulled myself together and am channelling as much zen as I can. I'm trying to let go of what never belonged to me and accept whatever circumstances life brings as fleeting.

And yes, I know that anything up to a 72 hour doubling time is considered normal. But it's impossible not to compare it to my last transfer cycle, where my initial beta doubled actually twice within the first 2 48-hour periods and then slowed down dramatically, eventually resulting in miscarriage.  So I am expecting nothing. I don't think  will do any more betas unless I get bleeding, but I'll wait until Wednesday (3 days from now) for the ultrasound, when I should be 5w3d.

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Update...still nothing. It's Tuesday now, the day before my ultrasound, and I feel, precisely nothing. Touch wood, no bleeding or cramps, and my boobs are still pretty huge. But no twinges, just no signs one way or the other. I am calm and ready for an answer. Just hope I get one tomorrow and am not plunged into more uncertainty.

Incidentally, I have been thinking that after so many cycles, I should really have something profound to say about dealing with disappointment/uncertainty/infertility....you know, like if someone came and asked me to do a TED talk, I should have an idea worth sharing. Can't for the life of me think what it would be though.  If I have a flash of inspiration I will write a special post, to be sure!

Fourteen IVFs and an FET = no emotion left!

We're in the middle of fresh IVF number 14, and just got the fert report - out of 7 eggs retrieved, only 3 were mature and only 1 fertilized. I am such a realist and invest so little into it emotionally that I don't even get nervous for the fert report any more and have prepared myself for numbers like that before I get them. The only thing I do after this kind of result is go and check out some more "raising an only child" blogs, to try to stay at peace with our decision that we will take project sibling no further after our sperm is used up. I do have doubts, definitely, but they are pretty fleeting.

Mic has raised the possibility of him going back on hormone injections to try to get some more sperm, but I am really against it. I will be 40 in 3 months and it's clear that my egg quality and quantity is nosediving as well. I can't imagine going through this again another 7 or 8 times and having only empty pockets and heartache to show for it. We need to be the best parents we can to our miracle boy and that means having the energy and enough fun in us to raise him.

Meantime I am considering a last-ditch detox fasting exercising type thing to try and shunt my aging eggs on to a few last cycles (3 more max). I know, I am basically writing off this one before it's over, but it is the only coping mechanism that works for me. 

Waiting for miscarriage

Ultrasound today: nothing left. It's all over. Can I please ask the universe for a natural miscarriage? So far nothing, nada, no cramps, no hint.

Recap

Ok. I am going to write a post with no feelings in it. I just need to get the facts down so I don't forget them.

Wednesday 29th April (according to RE, 5w2d. But according to ticker, 5w4d. And according to due date calulator, 5w3d. How do I know which one is correct?): I went for another ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown and was measuring 5w2d, so just about the right size. Impossible to tell if there was anything in the sac. Some kind of shadow which could have been yolk sac but could also have been just a fuzzy u/s pic. RE had put me on luterone (it's a PIO depot so it releases gradually and you take it once a week) the previous Sunday, and said I could come back next Sunday to get another shot and do another u/s. I'm also on oral progesterone (duphaston) 4 times a day. Plus, even though my RE said to stop the crinone since I took luterone, I have been taking one at night. Spotting has pretty much stopped. No cramps.

Thursday 30th: Nothing in the morning, no spotting, nothing. In the afternoon I had some AF-type cramps, and in the evening the spotting started again, just a little, brown. But cramps went away.

Today, Friday 1st May. Nothing in the morning except a little brown spotting. Around 2:30 in the afternoon I had my first bright red blood and cramps. It was just a little bit, and again after about 20 minutes it all disappeared. Pinkish discharge returned in the evening, no cramps but a couple of little stabbing pains.

P.S. I just changed my ticker. After checking out loads of them, each calculates it a little differently but the majority had me at 5w6d. One said 5w5d and my previous one said 6w0d. So I think now my ticker is just one day ahead of what my RE says.