11dp5dt

And it's a BFN guys. Which is what I always expected this cycle to be, with my poor lonely little 5-day morula. But still, when I got to 11dp5dt and there was no sign of AF, I couldn't help being just a little hopeful.

Anyway, onwards! I have to talk to Mic, he's on the other side of the world right now (and still doesn't know), and we'll decide when to go on with IVF#9. I hope we can do it this month. Once I've started cycling I just like to go on, back to back, until my body or mind cry out for a break. I just keep thinking, I'm 38, and I don't want my age suddenly to become a major factor, on top of all the other problems we have. But Mic isn't a bottomless pit of money, and all this is out of his pocket, so we'll have to see.

Thank goodness for chick pea. He reminds me that IVF can actually work, and he keeps me busy enough that I don't have much time to wallow.

9dp5dt and holding

Oh yes, I remember this. The 2ww. I am mentally perfectly fine during the first week, but physically ridiculously clumsy. I keep tripping over, banging into things and automatically thinking, "oh well, I've  blown it." Then the second week comes along. I relax a bit physically - I mean it either implanted or it didn't - but fall to bits mentally. The internal dialogue starts. "Should I just POAS?" "No! It's too early!" "Yes, but you never know, you might get a nice surprise." "But I might get a nasty one too." "Let's just google 8dp5dt BFN and then BFP." "Great idea, but you already had that experience yourself when you got pregnant last time."

You get the gist. And then, if I have managed to avoid going into a pharmacy all week and therefore don't actually have any HPTs in the house, I get to today, 9dp5dt, and suddenly I'm all zen. I don't feel the urge to run out of the house, leaving the baby on his own, and buy 65 HPTs. I am still a little bit hopeful, even with our one little lonely morula, because I haven't started spotting yet. But I know that the odds are against us, and I know I'll be okay if it's negative. I have decided not to test until 11dp5dt (the day I got my BFP last time) and I will not be swayed.

So tomorrow afternoon I will go to the pharmacy and buy ONE test. If I buy 2 I will lose my cool and convince myself to test tomorrow, but if it's just one, I know I will wait until Thursday to test with FMU. And then, hopefully, I will be able to get some work done, whatever the result, because for the last 5 days I have been utterly useless.

Let's try this again

I said in my last post that I might be back here when we decided to try for another baby. So here I am, slap bang in the middle of my 2ww after my first ever FET! In my last cycle (the miraculous one that produced my son, who's now 15 months old) we had 2 morulas to freeze on day 5, and so of course the intention was to put them both back now. Unfortunately one of them didn't survive the thaw, but the other one was "good", so in it went. And we wait. I am now 6dp5dt. Remember my last cycle? Where I tested on 8dp5dt and got a BFN, and then again on 11dp5dt and got a BFP? Yeah. So I won't be testing early this time. 5 more sleeps at least. I am, naturally, realistic about our chances, I know they are slim given our history and given the slow growing embryo. But I figure that at least it has been a gentle way to start TTC again, - no shots, no ER, still a lot of money but not the huge bucks of a full IVF. And there's always a little chance, that tiny flame of hope...

I guess I should backtrack a little. I'm now 38, so we didn't want to hang about to try for no.2. On the other hand I was determined to breastfeed for a year. I got my period back in August, and got excited for about 5 minutes, thinking we could restart IVF while I was still breastfeeding. Then my RE told me that IVF is much less likely to work with breastfeeding, so we just waited it out until January. I saw my RE then who told me to do bloodwork after I got my next period, which was Feb 11. I started the estrogen which regulates the cycle, but every time I went for a monitoring appointment, my lining was not ready and not improving. Eventually we cancelled the cycle after about a month of this. It's the first time I have ever had an issue with my lining, but I guess if I want to enter the record books, I have to go through it ALL, right?  

Can I just say? I love, love, LOVE life with our little one, and I am hoping with every inch of my being that he gets to be a big brother.