Ultrasound today: nothing left. It's all over. Can I please ask the universe for a natural miscarriage? So far nothing, nada, no cramps, no hint.
Sunday, 3 May 2015
Friday, 1 May 2015
Recap
Ok. I am going to write a post with no feelings in it. I just need to get the facts down so I don't forget them.
Wednesday 29th April (according to RE, 5w2d. But according to ticker, 5w4d. And according to due date calulator, 5w3d. How do I know which one is correct?): I went for another ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown and was measuring 5w2d, so just about the right size. Impossible to tell if there was anything in the sac. Some kind of shadow which could have been yolk sac but could also have been just a fuzzy u/s pic. RE had put me on luterone (it's a PIO depot so it releases gradually and you take it once a week) the previous Sunday, and said I could come back next Sunday to get another shot and do another u/s. I'm also on oral progesterone (duphaston) 4 times a day. Plus, even though my RE said to stop the crinone since I took luterone, I have been taking one at night. Spotting has pretty much stopped. No cramps.
Thursday 30th: Nothing in the morning, no spotting, nothing. In the afternoon I had some AF-type cramps, and in the evening the spotting started again, just a little, brown. But cramps went away.
Today, Friday 1st May. Nothing in the morning except a little brown spotting. Around 2:30 in the afternoon I had my first bright red blood and cramps. It was just a little bit, and again after about 20 minutes it all disappeared. Pinkish discharge returned in the evening, no cramps but a couple of little stabbing pains.
P.S. I just changed my ticker. After checking out loads of them, each calculates it a little differently but the majority had me at 5w6d. One said 5w5d and my previous one said 6w0d. So I think now my ticker is just one day ahead of what my RE says.
Wednesday 29th April (according to RE, 5w2d. But according to ticker, 5w4d. And according to due date calulator, 5w3d. How do I know which one is correct?): I went for another ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown and was measuring 5w2d, so just about the right size. Impossible to tell if there was anything in the sac. Some kind of shadow which could have been yolk sac but could also have been just a fuzzy u/s pic. RE had put me on luterone (it's a PIO depot so it releases gradually and you take it once a week) the previous Sunday, and said I could come back next Sunday to get another shot and do another u/s. I'm also on oral progesterone (duphaston) 4 times a day. Plus, even though my RE said to stop the crinone since I took luterone, I have been taking one at night. Spotting has pretty much stopped. No cramps.
Thursday 30th: Nothing in the morning, no spotting, nothing. In the afternoon I had some AF-type cramps, and in the evening the spotting started again, just a little, brown. But cramps went away.
Today, Friday 1st May. Nothing in the morning except a little brown spotting. Around 2:30 in the afternoon I had my first bright red blood and cramps. It was just a little bit, and again after about 20 minutes it all disappeared. Pinkish discharge returned in the evening, no cramps but a couple of little stabbing pains.
P.S. I just changed my ticker. After checking out loads of them, each calculates it a little differently but the majority had me at 5w6d. One said 5w5d and my previous one said 6w0d. So I think now my ticker is just one day ahead of what my RE says.
Tuesday, 28 April 2015
It doesn't look good
I can't even muster the energy to write a proper post about what has been going on. I have updated the "story so far" page with all the details. But briefly, I have had some bleeding (pink and brown, not fresh blood) and my betas have slowed down a lot. I had an ultrasound at 20dp2dt (5 weeks? 5 weeks 1 day? Something like that) and the RE found a tiny, tiny, possible gestational sac but nothing more, which is why she got me to go and do another beta. The doubling time slowed down to 90 hours then, and today I did another beta, which is still rising but with a doubling time of 99 hours.
I am 99.9999999% sure this pregnancy is not viable. But it's killing me to keep waiting and keep taking the luteal support (which could be artificially propping up the beta number). I begged my RE for another u/s and she said I could come in tomorrow.
That is all. I am trying, and failing, to keep my mind off it and keep busy.
I am 99.9999999% sure this pregnancy is not viable. But it's killing me to keep waiting and keep taking the luteal support (which could be artificially propping up the beta number). I begged my RE for another u/s and she said I could come in tomorrow.
That is all. I am trying, and failing, to keep my mind off it and keep busy.
Monday, 20 April 2015
Lucky number 13...
Sooooooooooooo. How can I put this?
Let's start from the day after my last post. I started with a terrible sore throat the day before transfer, so I showed up to ET feeling ill and depressed with the poor fertilization. They told me that overnight another one had fertilized, so we had one 4-cell and one 6-cell. 6 cells on day 2 is pretty weird, embryos should be 2-4 cells by then and after doing a bit of googling it seemed like a really fast-growing embryo might have chromosomal problems. Anyway, back they went.
Then my little boy got ill and I took him over the border with a high fever and an eye infection. Day by day I got worse as well, got the same sinus infection as my son which made my eyes swell up, and ended up with a bronchial cough. I assumed there was no way an embryo could survive through all that and so honestly didn't give the 2ww much of a thought.
Fast forward to April 18 (2 days ago) and I went for the beta, preparing myself as usual for the same old result. More than 2 hours later still no result, so I called the lab. They have never volunteered a result over the phone before so I was expecting just to remind them to send it to me. The young man on the other end of the phone said, "ok, just hold on a moment.....111." It didn't even register for a few seconds, and then I just said "Are you serious?" Fast forward again, through the bit where I never received the result by email and ended up phoning another branch of the same lab, who read me out an old result which was negative - heart on ground moment - but I eventually got the correct result on paper! And today was Beta no. 2, which was 286.
I can hardly believe we have been given another miracle. It's so early of course, anything could happen, but the beta numbers are encouraging for 12dp2dt and 14dp2dt.
I haven't even POAS yet, still. I actually forgot to buy pee sticks both yesterday and today, which is just bizarre. But since I have to wait until May 2nd for an u/s I think I will stock up to keep reassured every few days.
Today, internet, I am pregnant!
Let's start from the day after my last post. I started with a terrible sore throat the day before transfer, so I showed up to ET feeling ill and depressed with the poor fertilization. They told me that overnight another one had fertilized, so we had one 4-cell and one 6-cell. 6 cells on day 2 is pretty weird, embryos should be 2-4 cells by then and after doing a bit of googling it seemed like a really fast-growing embryo might have chromosomal problems. Anyway, back they went.
Then my little boy got ill and I took him over the border with a high fever and an eye infection. Day by day I got worse as well, got the same sinus infection as my son which made my eyes swell up, and ended up with a bronchial cough. I assumed there was no way an embryo could survive through all that and so honestly didn't give the 2ww much of a thought.
Fast forward to April 18 (2 days ago) and I went for the beta, preparing myself as usual for the same old result. More than 2 hours later still no result, so I called the lab. They have never volunteered a result over the phone before so I was expecting just to remind them to send it to me. The young man on the other end of the phone said, "ok, just hold on a moment.....111." It didn't even register for a few seconds, and then I just said "Are you serious?" Fast forward again, through the bit where I never received the result by email and ended up phoning another branch of the same lab, who read me out an old result which was negative - heart on ground moment - but I eventually got the correct result on paper! And today was Beta no. 2, which was 286.
I can hardly believe we have been given another miracle. It's so early of course, anything could happen, but the beta numbers are encouraging for 12dp2dt and 14dp2dt.
I haven't even POAS yet, still. I actually forgot to buy pee sticks both yesterday and today, which is just bizarre. But since I have to wait until May 2nd for an u/s I think I will stock up to keep reassured every few days.
Today, internet, I am pregnant!
Sunday, 5 April 2015
Ten steps forward, nine steps back
Yesterday was ER day. I had traveled to our neighboring country where we have 2 vials of frozen sperm stored. I had done all the monitoring appointments in our local clinic (my 4th RE clinic), and they were saying I should expect about 5 eggs. So I was super happy when they retrieved ten yesterday. Then I got the fert report this morning. Out of 6 mature eggs, only 1 fertilized. So we're doing a 2 day transfer tomorrow. If the embryo makes it till then. Man, I can't even process this. I don't even want to think about it.
I am working really hard on making peace with the idea that our little boy may be an only child. And I am getting there, I really am. He'll be ok. He will be loved and taken care of and we will do whatever it takes to make sure he has a great social life and plenty of playmates. The thing I am finding it hard to get over is the resentment about how much money we have spent on this. Of course, if it works, it will be worth it and we will forget about the financial loss immediately. But what if it never does work again, And we have done another 8 cycles with nothing to show for it except a huge hole in our pockets? Where will I put my resentment then? How will I deal with it?
I am working really hard on making peace with the idea that our little boy may be an only child. And I am getting there, I really am. He'll be ok. He will be loved and taken care of and we will do whatever it takes to make sure he has a great social life and plenty of playmates. The thing I am finding it hard to get over is the resentment about how much money we have spent on this. Of course, if it works, it will be worth it and we will forget about the financial loss immediately. But what if it never does work again, And we have done another 8 cycles with nothing to show for it except a huge hole in our pockets? Where will I put my resentment then? How will I deal with it?
Monday, 30 March 2015
Update fail!
I have become rubbish at updating my news. Maybe because it's all so familiar! IVF#12 was another BFN, and I have now gone back to our 2nd RE where we have 2 vials of sperm stored. He did a hyteroscopy and I started stims right away, this time with the antagonist protocol. I have had my first monitoring appointment and it is looking about the same as the last cycle to be honest. Five follicles of a reasonable size and a few tiny stragglers. I just hope that because of the way this RE does things, all 5 will be mature. And on, and on!
Monday, 16 March 2015
another 2ww drawing to a close
I am now 9dp4dt in my 12th fresh IVF cycle, 4th fresh since having my little boy. And it's that familiar feeling creeping in with 2 days left to wait. My boobs, which have been huge and hard, have softened and shrunk again. I feel like AF is on her way. Any little hope I had is drying up. And I have started to prepare myself for the inevitable BFN on Thursday. Planning for the disappointment and how I will deal with it. Thinking about our next move. We have 2 more vials of sperm in our home town, and 2 in the neighboring country. Cash is really tight, but my biological clock seems to be at about 5 to midnight and we can't waste time. Etc, etc, etc. My mind going into overdrive. Oh, let these 2 days go quickly.
Anyway, to recap, it was a pretty sucky cycle. They retrieved only 5 eggs, only 3 were mature and 2 fertilized. They were both still going on day 4, one perfect looking morula and one "more than 10 cells". I find it hard to accept that just last year I was getting 16 eggs and it has just divebombed so fast. I am tempted to go back to RE no. 2 (where our other vials are stored) and get a 2nd opinion about the stim cycles, if this shot fails.
Anyway, to recap, it was a pretty sucky cycle. They retrieved only 5 eggs, only 3 were mature and 2 fertilized. They were both still going on day 4, one perfect looking morula and one "more than 10 cells". I find it hard to accept that just last year I was getting 16 eggs and it has just divebombed so fast. I am tempted to go back to RE no. 2 (where our other vials are stored) and get a 2nd opinion about the stim cycles, if this shot fails.
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