3dp5dt

So, I am sitting here trying not to obsess. Obviously it's not working! I am keeping an open mind. We do have a chance this time, it could be our best chance. But at the same time, statistically it's pretty unlikely after 7 BFNs that suddenly things are going to change for us. The thing that keeps going round in my head is, if we have another negative, can I really keep on doing the same thing over and over? We still have 10 vials of frozen sperm and I just don't know if I can face another 10 cycles with the same result. And as with so many infertility stories, we don't categorically know if the reason IVF is not working is because of the original diagnosis, or whether there could be another undiscovered factor.

I guess we have three options that we might consider at this point. We could take a step back and do further immunology tests, which might take several months (tick, tock, tick, tock, goes the biological clock). We could keep on doing more attempts with the sperm we have with no further testing. Or we could try donor embryos. I think the thing that scares me the most is that I am completely ready to go down the donor embryo route, but I don't think DH is. We have been such a tight team up till now, that I really don't want any cracks to appear. My relationship with him is priority number 1, it comes before babies. At the same time I don't want there to be any resentment on either side later on - me resenting him for not letting us try DE and delaying any possibility of pregnancy for another year or more, or him resenting me for not giving our biological child all the chances it could possibly have. Maybe after all, doing some of the more unusual and controversial immunology testing is the way to go. Gives us a break from IVF and (hopefully) clarifies our options later.

I know I must sound terribly negative for someone who just transferred 3 embryos on day 5 and who has not a shred of evidence that it didn't work. I suppose I just want to be prepared. I am hopeful, but I don't want another BFN to hit me like a pile of bricks and send me into depression. I need to know that I will be ok and I will just go on with the next chapter of our journey.

Roll on next week!

horizontal, again

Today was transfer day. I was actually quite zen going in this morning, and I am pretty happy with the result. We had five in total still surviving: one absolute superstar AA blastocyst, another blast that was ok quality, and 3 stragglers. I am not naive, I know that the 3 runts don't have much chance, but I've never had a really excellent blast before. We transferred 3, and froze 2 morulas. Also a first, to have anything to freeze.

So now I'm home, in bed, and for the first time ever (3 firsts in one day!) I'm actually going to cancel all my work and stay home for a full 3 days. Docs have never prescribed bed rest for us, but our current RE recommends 3 days of taking it really easy. I'm also going to indulge every old wives tale I have ever heard: pineapple core, brazil nuts, warm feet.....I just wish we had yams in this country!

The scary day

By far the hardest day of any IVF cycle for me is the fertilization report. It's even harder than the BFN sometimes, because at least with a BFN I usually have some warning. But we have had 4 really terrible fert reports out of our previous 7 IVFs, so I'm always fearing the worst.

Anyway, we got our very best ever egg count yesterday, sweet sixteen, and yet still I was bracing myself for more bad news this morning. Cue Mic:

"Did he call?"
Me: "Nope.
Mic: "Did you call?"
Me: "Nope."
Mic: So there has been no calling?"
Me: "Nope. I'm too scared to call. I don't want to know."

Five minutes later the doc called. Eight fertilized. Not our best fert report ever, but far from being the worst, so I'll take it! Tomorrow I will hear how they are doing and if they are good enough to wait for a day 5 transfer.

So here's to hope, and it staying alive through another scary day.

  

IVF#8 begins

And we're off again.  I started with a decapeptyl shot last night, and tonight I start stims. 600 IU. Monitoring on  15th.  We had to get at least 5 days worth of meds today, and I had to drain my savings account (there goes the car insurance money I had squirreled away for next month), but it's done! I've decided I like back-to-back cycles. Not so much time to sit and brood, we just hit the ground running.

People tell me I'm strong for going through so many cycles. Well, I met a woman during my last cycle who had success on her 17th attempt, and was back to try for number 2! When I get that far, I might concede that it took some grit. Come on, 8 is still single figures! Besides, I've been through much worse than this. Six years ago, I was on the verge of divorce after only a year of marriage. Coming through that needed a thousand times more strength than IVF and caused infinitely more pain. But here I am, still married and more in love than ever. And this is a challenge I don't have to go through alone. We're a team, and that makes me, not strong, but just incredibly lucky. 

Hope...

So, as expected this cycle has ended with another BFN and yet again, I started bleeding before the beta (which is tomorrow). I think, through all my IVF cycles, I have only once actually got to beta day without a clue what the result would be. Otherwise it has been this wearily familiar pattern of cramps and eventually AF starting several days before the blood test, and me spending the last few days cursing every time I put a progesterone suppository in because I knew it was worthless. This time the cramps actually started just 7 days after transfer, so I have had the joy of feeling like I had AF constantly for the last week, and yet the spotting only started today, so I know I have another week of it to look forward to!

Despite the constant disappointments and the repeated early warnings, I have to say that I have discovered that hope must be by far the most resilient of human emotions. It goes like this:

7dp3dt - AF cramps start. I think: "oh, that's odd, that's never happened this early before. Wonder if it's a good sign?"
9dp3dt - boobs stop being sore: I think: "ah well, seems it didn't work this time."
10dp3dt - still cramping but no blood. I think: "In previous cycles I've always started spotting by now...maybe this is one of these pregnancies people talk about where they felt exactly like AF was coming right before their BFP."
11dp3dt: do an HPT. Negative. I think: "Oh well, it wasn't to be. They were rubbish quality embryos after all."
11dp3dt in the evening: I start urinating frequently and get diarrhea. I google "11dp3dt BFN 12dp3dt BFP" and diarrhea as pregnancy symptom. I think: "Maybe it's not over yet?"
12dp3dt: still no blood. Urinating frequently. AF cramps GONE. I think: "could I have a miracle on my hands?"
13dp3dt: spotting starts. I think: "Crap. Anyway, never mind, we'll start IVF#8 right away."

And that's really what it's like! It's quite incredible that all my attempts at gritty realism fail so miserably as soon as I get a tiny thread of hope. The only thing I have learned, really, is not to verbalize any of these crazy thoughts, at least not until it's over, so I can keep a fraction of my dignity intact.

Mic and I have a kind of unwritten rule these days that we don't talk about any of this stuff in the 2ww. He might ask me once, "so when will we know?", but other than that we just try to forget about it. I don't know how this works for him, but any woman who has done IVF or is even TTC naturally will tell you it's completely impossible to forget. But for me, not talking about it is the closest I come to forgetting about it, so I'll take it!

So, our next step is, I'll go for the beta tomorrow (I ALWAYS go for the beta, even when I'm 100% sure it's a bust. You know, just in case). And I'll call my RE and ask if I can go straight into another cycle without taking a month off. If I have to take a month off, it will probably end up being 2 because I have a work trip at the end of May and it would probably clash, so I really hope he agrees. We'll dig deep into out pockets again and just bite the bullet. We have decided, for now, to just keep trying with our 11 frozen sperm samples until we run out of them, and then think of other options. Having potentially another 11 BFNs to look forward to is quite a thought. But hell, it's just another year. And of course, there's always the little voice of hope, saying "It might work you know. Maybe next time."

Deja vu

Well, there's no pretty way to say this. Of our 10 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature and 2 fertilized. By day 3 they were 4 cells and 5 cells, so we put them both back right away. For anyone not familiar with IVF, by day 3 embryos should ideally be around 8 cells, and 4/5 cell embryos have a dramatically reduced chance of implanting. There is still a chance, and google is full of success stories of course. I know, theoretically, there is a chance, otherwise I wouldn't be cutting caffeine, faithfully taking all the luteal support and cancelling my schedule for the next 3 days. But, we have been in this place so many times. IVF#1 produced only 2 embryos, and IVFs #2 and 3 only 1 each. By the time we got to IVF#4 and 5 we were over the moon to be able to transfer 5 and 6 great embryos, and we really felt we were making progress in IVF#6 when we managed to go to day 5 and transfer a blastocyst and 2 morulas. Now we're back to square 1, and have no idea why.

The only thing I can think of is this. The day before egg retrieval, our RE called and said, why don't we try using fresh sperm, and have the frozen as a backup. I said, but Mic has stopped the shots and has restarted the testosterone, so surely there won't be any viable sperm in a fresh sample? He said, not necessarily, because it takes several months for any effect to be noticeable, so we don't lose anything by trying, and that way we might save a frozen sample. So we agreed. The day of retrieval, we were told that the fresh sample  had not been enough and they had to use the frozen as well. Yesterday we found out that the ones that survived had been fertilized by the frozen sperm. So, my theory goes, the fresh sperm were just really poor quality and we should never have tried using them. On the other hand, the frozen were obviously not that great either. But who knows, really?

My mind is already moving on to what happens next. We are booking a phone consult with a urologist at Cornell. I am already thinking of what I should be cancelling in the summer in order to cycle again. And although Mic is as determined as I am to continue, I don't know how long we can keep on at this, financially. I will pick myself up, I always do, and life is too beautiful to be depressed for long. But I think that the main long-term effect of all these treatments is that I feel my life is shrinking. I used to have so many activities and exciting things going on, and gradually they are being postponed or cancelled or just given up on, to make room for treatment cycles. I know it's not good for my mental health, but my biological clock is about 3 years to midnight and I feel we have to keep pushing on. And there you have it. All my weaknesses exposed!

Watermelon woman

Just a quick update. I trigger tonight. In the unlikely event that anyone reading this isn't familiar with the IVF procedure, this is the final shot before egg retrieval, which matures the eggs to their final stage and triggers ovulation 36 hours later. I have been on pretty huge doses of stims this time (600 IU for the first few days, then reduced to 450) and my belly does indeed look a bit like a watermelon (the size, you understand, not the color ;)) but otherwise I feel quite ok and I don't think I'm in any danger of hyperstimulation. Which makes me think 2 things. Firstly, isn't it unfair that while I'm going through my 7th IVF which is, let's be honest, statistically likely to fail, my belly looks like that of a pregnant woman, giving rise to the inevitable questions from those that don't know better?  And secondly, why am I, at the age of 36 not hyperstimulating on such huge quantities of drugs? I always have a little guilty voice at the back of my head about my few, but fairly heavy, years of smoking. Did they ruin my eggs for good?

Ah well, for better or worse, I am about ready to lay!