Deja vu

Well, there's no pretty way to say this. Of our 10 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature and 2 fertilized. By day 3 they were 4 cells and 5 cells, so we put them both back right away. For anyone not familiar with IVF, by day 3 embryos should ideally be around 8 cells, and 4/5 cell embryos have a dramatically reduced chance of implanting. There is still a chance, and google is full of success stories of course. I know, theoretically, there is a chance, otherwise I wouldn't be cutting caffeine, faithfully taking all the luteal support and cancelling my schedule for the next 3 days. But, we have been in this place so many times. IVF#1 produced only 2 embryos, and IVFs #2 and 3 only 1 each. By the time we got to IVF#4 and 5 we were over the moon to be able to transfer 5 and 6 great embryos, and we really felt we were making progress in IVF#6 when we managed to go to day 5 and transfer a blastocyst and 2 morulas. Now we're back to square 1, and have no idea why.

The only thing I can think of is this. The day before egg retrieval, our RE called and said, why don't we try using fresh sperm, and have the frozen as a backup. I said, but Mic has stopped the shots and has restarted the testosterone, so surely there won't be any viable sperm in a fresh sample? He said, not necessarily, because it takes several months for any effect to be noticeable, so we don't lose anything by trying, and that way we might save a frozen sample. So we agreed. The day of retrieval, we were told that the fresh sample  had not been enough and they had to use the frozen as well. Yesterday we found out that the ones that survived had been fertilized by the frozen sperm. So, my theory goes, the fresh sperm were just really poor quality and we should never have tried using them. On the other hand, the frozen were obviously not that great either. But who knows, really?

My mind is already moving on to what happens next. We are booking a phone consult with a urologist at Cornell. I am already thinking of what I should be cancelling in the summer in order to cycle again. And although Mic is as determined as I am to continue, I don't know how long we can keep on at this, financially. I will pick myself up, I always do, and life is too beautiful to be depressed for long. But I think that the main long-term effect of all these treatments is that I feel my life is shrinking. I used to have so many activities and exciting things going on, and gradually they are being postponed or cancelled or just given up on, to make room for treatment cycles. I know it's not good for my mental health, but my biological clock is about 3 years to midnight and I feel we have to keep pushing on. And there you have it. All my weaknesses exposed!

Watermelon woman

Just a quick update. I trigger tonight. In the unlikely event that anyone reading this isn't familiar with the IVF procedure, this is the final shot before egg retrieval, which matures the eggs to their final stage and triggers ovulation 36 hours later. I have been on pretty huge doses of stims this time (600 IU for the first few days, then reduced to 450) and my belly does indeed look a bit like a watermelon (the size, you understand, not the color ;)) but otherwise I feel quite ok and I don't think I'm in any danger of hyperstimulation. Which makes me think 2 things. Firstly, isn't it unfair that while I'm going through my 7th IVF which is, let's be honest, statistically likely to fail, my belly looks like that of a pregnant woman, giving rise to the inevitable questions from those that don't know better?  And secondly, why am I, at the age of 36 not hyperstimulating on such huge quantities of drugs? I always have a little guilty voice at the back of my head about my few, but fairly heavy, years of smoking. Did they ruin my eggs for good?

Ah well, for better or worse, I am about ready to lay!

Mind Games

You would be forgiven for thinking that after 6 failed IVFs, I would have got the balance of hope and/or resignation completely figured out by now and I would just know which one was best. After all, as the Arabic saying goes, even a donkey will learn with enough repetition. Dear reader, I am sorry to tell you that, at least for this particular donkey, it doesn't work that way. As each cycle nears, I play this little game in my head, trying to decide which strategy to take. Shall I go for absolute certainty it's going to work, a.k.a the Secret, the law of attraction or whatever you like to call it? Or, since that didn't work last time, shall I just wrap myself in an emotional cocoon, knowing fine well it's not going to work so I may as well just protect myself from the inevitable? Or, my favorite, but by far the hardest - detachment, just shoving it under the carpet, not dealing with it and trying ever-so-hard not to even feel any feelings whatsoever.

I am blessed, as an IVF patient, with a fairly zen disposition. I mean, I'm no monk, but I'm also not a drama queen, and I have found that whichever strategy I choose, the resulting emotion after a BFN is more or less the same. I have maybe 30 seconds of tears, a couple of down days, and then pull myself together and count my blessings (the only major difference is that each time we are a little poorer, which weighs on us both). I have to point out that I am incredibly lucky that my husband want to have children just as much as I do. I know a lot of women struggle with this on top of the medical issue, and it definitely makes it harder for them. We have our differences about the process - I was absolutely ready to try donor embryos after our last failure, but Mic just isn't in that place yet - but I am constantly grateful that we are on exactly the same page in terms of our absolute determination to carry on. We even have a little hand signal we give to each other when there are just no more words, which loosely translated means "we'll go on and on and on and on".

At least I have learned one thing from our 6 IVF attempts. I do NOT analyze symptoms in the 2 week wait! I have literally had every early pregnancy symptom known to man, and not so much as a hint of a BFP, so nowadays I just silently curse the progesterone and try to think of something else.

As for my emotional strategy for IVF#7, I'm still working on it. But for now, I am super-confident about just one thing: we will be parents one day. Maybe this time, maybe not. Maybe with our own DNA, maybe not. Maybe through pregnancy, maybe not. But it will happen.

Introducing....IVF #7

Well hello there world. I have never blogged in my life, never even been tempted. But as I trawl the internet looking for stories of hope from other people who have done as many IVFs as I have, I find that there are remarkably few out there. I know for a fact that loads and loads of people do this many cycles and more, and I found myself wishing that more of them would write. So I just decided to put my money where my mouth is and start blogging, in the hope that one day, I might have some good news to share which will give another person hope when they need it most.

Just to fill in some background, we have been TTC for the last 3 years. We were lucky enough never to have had the months and years of trying on our own before a shock diagnosis - Mic, as I will call him here (Mr. Infertile Crescent!), has known since he was a teenager about his hypogonadism and azoospermia, and I went into our marriage fully prepared. Actually, that's a lie, I was blinded by love and wasn't even sure whether I wanted kids or not, so it seemed so insignificant and I was sure that we could cope with whatever was thrown our way. Anyway, to cut a very long story short, we left it until 4 years into our marriage before deciding that the time was right to start.

A year and a half after Mic started hormone shots for sperm production, there was still no sperm in his ejaculate. We went to a new RE who advised increasing the dose, but also booked us in for our first IVF/ICSI attempt in August 2010. They did a minor surgery to aspirate sperm from the testicles, which was successful, and gave us our first ray of hope.  I'll try to be brief now, because chronicling the details of all 6 attempts would be mind-numbingly boring. Here goes:

IVF#1: Sperm aspirated.
            7 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized
            2 day transfer of 2 embryos
            BFN

IVF#2: A few sperm found in ejaculate. Fresh sperm from ejaculate used in IVF #s 2 - 6.
            9 eggs retrieved, 1 fertilized
            2 day transfer of 1 embryo
            BFN

IVF#3: 7 eggs retrieved, 1 fertilized very late
            2 day transfer of 1 embryo
            BFN

IVF#4 (new clinic): 11 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized
                              3 day transfer of 5 embryos. Nothing to freeze.
                              BFN

IVF#5: 10 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized
            3 day transfer of 6 embryos (please don't judge me!). Nothing to freeze
            BFN

IVF#6 (new clinic): 14 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized
                              5 day transfer of 3 embryos. Nothing to freeze.
                              BFN


And now.....drum roll.....when AF arrives within the next few days, I'll be starting IVF #7. I'm not even going to start on the emotional aspect of it all today. Just to add that we have done male karyotype, chromosomal y-deletions, RPL panel, thyroid tests, and hysteroscopy, which have all been normal, and this time, just for fun, we have added 2 endometrial biopsies. And we are BROKE (we pay out of pocket for every single treatment).  But still, life is full of blessings. This has become like a motto, and although sometimes it is hard to remember, it is so true. We are still happy together, both have jobs which allow us to pay for treatment, we have seriously lovely families, go on holiday every year, we're healthy in most other ways....there are so many things to be grateful for.

If you're reading this, thanks for stopping by!