The thing I hate most

The thing I hate most on this earth right now is hope. It creeps in uninvited, and soon it has taken over your house and settled in. And then it sits in your armchair and laughs at you when everything comes crumbling down.

My beta went down to 75. Of course it did! How could I have been such a fool? Who has a successful pregnancy with a beta of 8?

AF didn't come yet, although it feels like it will be here any minute. I am going on holiday in 5 days, so that would be the most bitter end, if I had to have a D&C in a foreign country and therefore have to tell Mic's family, who we're travelling with, what happened.

Things I have learned from this cycle (and I hope I never forget again):

1. My body is an absolute traitor and I will never believe any of its symptoms again.
2. I always thought it would be, but now I know, a miscarriage is way, way worse than a BFN.
3. 2015 is going to be a hell of a year. We are going to do back to back cycles starting in January until this either works or we run out of sperm. I am not looking forward to it but I just want to get it over with.
4. HPTs are stupid. I have the grit to wait for the beta, and at least it is accurate.

Still watching this space

Beta no. 4 was 112. So it doubled. Beta no. 5 is tomorrow, and I'm looking for 336. If it's all on track I'm pretty sure my REs won't ask for another one. But I'm equally sure I will do another one anyway. I'm such a bad patient, I am actually two-timing my REs :) I currently have 2 because one did the stimulation protocol and another did ER and ET. I am calling both with each result and they are each giving me different instructions, hence the ridiculous number of betas. It's suiting me so far!

I feel absolutely 100% pregnant, exactly the same feelings I had with my little boy. Huge boobs, sore legs, a heavy, pulling sensation very low down, and this morning, a couple of hours of nausea. And, the most comforting thing (touch wood) - no bleeding. The only time I got a bit of pink was when I ran out of crin.one just after my first beta and switched to utroges.tan. As soon as I got more crin.one it cleared up, which makes me think....was all the early bleeding I had during my last pregnancy something to do with the utroges.tan? My progesterone was low then, and although I haven't had it measured this time, it just doesn't feel low. That sounds ridiculous, how would I know what low progesterone feels like? But I just have the sense that my body is doing things right this time, like I feel how a just-pregnant woman should feel.

Again, I'm going to risk putting this out there: I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. Whatever happens, this is true for today.

Beta 'hell'

Soooooo...after beta number 1 came back at 8, at 11dp3dt, I did another one on 13dp3dt in the afternoon, and it was 32. And another one the next morning, which was 50. Which gives me an overall doubling time of 1.13 days. Beta no. 4 is tomorrow. But my REs are now saying "you are pregnant" and sounding pretty hopeful. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much but I have to admit it, I AM hopeful. I have a good feeling about this little fighter. And I hope I don't regret typing that out into the universe.

And on, and on, and on...

The beta came back today at 8. Obviously no chance for a viable pregnancy. I just hope AF shows within the next 3 days and I don't have to go through beta hell. My RE said I should stop all the meds but that if AF doesn't show within 3 days I have to do a repeat beta.

I am pissed. And sad. And in renewed amazement about actually having had a pregnancy at all and having given birth to our beautiful son. It's looking like our chances were always close to zero, so it's just a miracle that he could have happened.

With 7 vials of sperm left, and given that they used 2 this time round, and that each time they are using the best vials so the quality is going to keep going down, I really don't have a lot of hope left for another biological child. I estimate we have another 4 or 5 attempts max before all the sperm is gone, and it's pretty damn doubtful that any of them will result in anything. The donor embryo issue is picking away at my mind, and in a way I would love to just abandon the bio route and go for donor embryos right away. I know that Mic wouldn't agree though, and I just hope we can do back-to-back cycles starting in January and get this over with before I turn 40.

Another random observation: despite the result, I much preferred getting it direct from the beta and not faffing around with stupid HPTs. I would do it like that again.

changing the record

I have decided, in the spirit of shaking up the karma a bit, not to POAS on Saturday, but just to go for the beta. Yes, emotionally, I can take it, in case you're wondering! Mind you, whether I will truly make it that far is another question, because the AF cramps have kicked in full swing and I may well start bleeding before then. In which case all previous decisions will be chucked out the window for sure.

I am allowing myself 20 minutes a day to obsess pointlessly and google symptoms and success/failure stories. I know it's an absolutely ridiculous pursuit, but it's a bit like going on a diet - you need to have the occasional chocolate fix just to keep you going. I literally set a timer and when it's over I get on with my life and my work. It works for me :)

8dp3dt....whatever it is, it's coming

So the AF cramps have started now, and the little gurgly sounds in my stomach which signal AF is on her way. Or which signal my uterus is expanding. So all I know is that the result is on its way, pretty soon. Officially I test on 11dp3dt. And no way will I POAS before then, unless I have any bleeding. Not after last time (negative HPT on 8dp5dt and then positive on 11dp5dt).

3 more sleeps.

6dp3dt in IVF #10

I'm really just updating this for future reference, because I forget so many details of what I was feeling in previous 2wws. Basically this time has been the same as every other time. Zero symptoms until I got to 3dp3dt, and then I get this heavy, pulling feeling in my womb or somewhere near there, which has more or less been there ever since. A few little jabby pains (but only on 3dp and 4dp), bloating. That's about it. Absolutely none the wiser, of course.

Mentally I am doing really well this cycle. I feel good that nobody knows, not even my IVF support group on facebook who have been there for me through thick and thin. I think this has just allowed me not to focus a lot on it - nobody has any expectations of anything, and nobody is asking how I am doing or feeling, so I am just keeping busy. Of course I think about it a lot, but it's not every waking moment, not by a long shot.

5 more sleeps.

Continued

As for symptoms: Nope. None. Except diarrhoea from the crinone. Joy.

IVF #10, 2ww-ing

I am having a really low-profile cycle this time. Haven't told a soul, and I don't think anyone reads this blog, but it's good to just record stuff that I will probably forget later. I'm 2dp3dt right now.
I switched clinics this time around, although for the stimulation I still went to my old RE. Wish I hadn't actually, as he just took extra money which we could have saved. It also involved transporting frozen sperm in a vacuum flask from one city to another (I put the flask between my legs as I drove and hoped for the best!). We transported 3 vials and still have 4 left in the original location.

8 eggs were retrieved, not my best number by a long shot but whatever. 4 were fertilized, again not such a great percentage but I guess I have to accept that at almost 39 now, my age is going to start playing a role in the results. 2 vials of sperm were used. That mean we have a total of 7 vials left, 5 in this country and 2 in a neighboring country where we did our first 5 attempts.

The best thing about this cycle has been having regular direct contact with the embryologist. She gave me her mobile number! I was going to insist on a 5 day transfer, but actually after talking to her I was convinced to do the 3 day. We transfer everything anyway so waiting another 2 days to see what the best ones are is meaningless. In earlier cycles when we were using fresh sperm I think I was justified in asking for 5 day transfers because I wanted to see if it was the sperm, which takes over the work on day 3, that was just not functioning. But now that we're using frozen there's nothing to be done about the sperm quality anyway, we just have what we have. And I guess the final thing that swung it for me was the thought that maybe the lab doesn't have the most advanced and modern culture to keep the embryos in, so actually keeping them till day 5 outside could be putting them at risk.

On day 3 all 4 were still growing -  we had 2 perfect 8-cells, and 2 6-cells, one of which was pretty fragmented. And here we are again in 2ww hell. I have work tomorrow and intend to go back to a full life so I don't think too much about it, but even after 10 times, it's hard. Really hard! It is actually weirdly comforting to have a limited number of tries left. It's like it's completely out of our hands, we just do what we can and the rest is up to the universe....and it won't go on for ever. 

IVF#9, the postmortem

Well, another cycle, another failure. And nothing to freeze. What to say about it? I had a great ER, got 16 eggs, 10 fertilized, but by day 3 they were down to 7 and by day 5 just two were still growing, an early blast and a morula. We put them both back of course. One stuck to the catheter and had to be reloaded and transferred again. And then there was the usual 2ww full of highs and lows, hope and despondency, symptoms which came and went. I guess my "women are super fertile after having a baby" window has passed, so we're back to facing the long haul.

Two things making me sad: firstly we are struggling financially and we can't afford to do another back-to back cycle. Who knows when we will scrape together enough money to cycle again. I hope in 1 month, but I just don't know. Secondly, each time we do IVF they are choosing the best sperm from what is left, so each time the quality is going to go down. So I suppose our chances are going to keep on getting worse.

Thank goodness for my beautiful little boy. If I didn't have him I'm sure I would have gone bananas a long time ago.

IVF # 9...up on the starting blocks

I finally got AF yesterday after my BFN (thank goodness for POAS and betas, otherwise I would definitely have convinced myself I was pregnant!), and, well, we're off again. I went for an ultrasound this morning, which was fine, bought my stims and the other shots in the afternoon, and took my first shot of decapeptyl this evening. We are using the same protocol as last time: a short protocol with the maximum dosage, 8 ampules of Menopur 75 every day and half a decapeptyl 0.1. Seems like a heck of a lot of hormones, I know, but I have never yet had OHSS and get an average of about 7 to 10 eggs usually.

Every IVF cycle from start to (usually) devastating finish takes about a month out of my life. So far, including the FET, that's almost 9 complete months where I have basically thought about very little else. This time I am resolving not to waste so much time and energy. I saw a post on facebook today which reminded me that Mozart composed the overture to Don Giovanni on the morning of its premiere, which kind of puts time into perspective when you're sitting around using precious moments to think about whether something that is completely out of your control is going to work or not.  Disclaimer: I exempt myself from this resolve in the final few days of the 2ww! If I even get that far. I haven't yet had nothing to transfer, but I like to remind myself that that could be an outcome. I did have one cycle when I only had one tiny little late fertilizer, which was a huge shock to me at the time.

Onwards! 

11dp5dt

And it's a BFN guys. Which is what I always expected this cycle to be, with my poor lonely little 5-day morula. But still, when I got to 11dp5dt and there was no sign of AF, I couldn't help being just a little hopeful.

Anyway, onwards! I have to talk to Mic, he's on the other side of the world right now (and still doesn't know), and we'll decide when to go on with IVF#9. I hope we can do it this month. Once I've started cycling I just like to go on, back to back, until my body or mind cry out for a break. I just keep thinking, I'm 38, and I don't want my age suddenly to become a major factor, on top of all the other problems we have. But Mic isn't a bottomless pit of money, and all this is out of his pocket, so we'll have to see.

Thank goodness for chick pea. He reminds me that IVF can actually work, and he keeps me busy enough that I don't have much time to wallow.

9dp5dt and holding

Oh yes, I remember this. The 2ww. I am mentally perfectly fine during the first week, but physically ridiculously clumsy. I keep tripping over, banging into things and automatically thinking, "oh well, I've  blown it." Then the second week comes along. I relax a bit physically - I mean it either implanted or it didn't - but fall to bits mentally. The internal dialogue starts. "Should I just POAS?" "No! It's too early!" "Yes, but you never know, you might get a nice surprise." "But I might get a nasty one too." "Let's just google 8dp5dt BFN and then BFP." "Great idea, but you already had that experience yourself when you got pregnant last time."

You get the gist. And then, if I have managed to avoid going into a pharmacy all week and therefore don't actually have any HPTs in the house, I get to today, 9dp5dt, and suddenly I'm all zen. I don't feel the urge to run out of the house, leaving the baby on his own, and buy 65 HPTs. I am still a little bit hopeful, even with our one little lonely morula, because I haven't started spotting yet. But I know that the odds are against us, and I know I'll be okay if it's negative. I have decided not to test until 11dp5dt (the day I got my BFP last time) and I will not be swayed.

So tomorrow afternoon I will go to the pharmacy and buy ONE test. If I buy 2 I will lose my cool and convince myself to test tomorrow, but if it's just one, I know I will wait until Thursday to test with FMU. And then, hopefully, I will be able to get some work done, whatever the result, because for the last 5 days I have been utterly useless.

Let's try this again

I said in my last post that I might be back here when we decided to try for another baby. So here I am, slap bang in the middle of my 2ww after my first ever FET! In my last cycle (the miraculous one that produced my son, who's now 15 months old) we had 2 morulas to freeze on day 5, and so of course the intention was to put them both back now. Unfortunately one of them didn't survive the thaw, but the other one was "good", so in it went. And we wait. I am now 6dp5dt. Remember my last cycle? Where I tested on 8dp5dt and got a BFN, and then again on 11dp5dt and got a BFP? Yeah. So I won't be testing early this time. 5 more sleeps at least. I am, naturally, realistic about our chances, I know they are slim given our history and given the slow growing embryo. But I figure that at least it has been a gentle way to start TTC again, - no shots, no ER, still a lot of money but not the huge bucks of a full IVF. And there's always a little chance, that tiny flame of hope...

I guess I should backtrack a little. I'm now 38, so we didn't want to hang about to try for no.2. On the other hand I was determined to breastfeed for a year. I got my period back in August, and got excited for about 5 minutes, thinking we could restart IVF while I was still breastfeeding. Then my RE told me that IVF is much less likely to work with breastfeeding, so we just waited it out until January. I saw my RE then who told me to do bloodwork after I got my next period, which was Feb 11. I started the estrogen which regulates the cycle, but every time I went for a monitoring appointment, my lining was not ready and not improving. Eventually we cancelled the cycle after about a month of this. It's the first time I have ever had an issue with my lining, but I guess if I want to enter the record books, I have to go through it ALL, right?  

Can I just say? I love, love, LOVE life with our little one, and I am hoping with every inch of my being that he gets to be a big brother.