...And still hanging on...

I went for another ultrasound yesterday, 6w0d. My RE said if the bleeding continued I should do the u/s earlier rather than later, so we went in to the clinic in the morning and waited for about an hour. The grumpy u/s technician was surprisingly sweet yesterday - Mic reckoned it was because he was there! He may have a point. The poor woman sees nobody but sad infertile women all day and does nothing but poke a wand up their vaginas from morning till night. So having a man make an entrance might have just been the highlight of her day.

Anyway, the great, amazing, unbelievable news is that our baby's heart is beating! We couldn't see it at first but when she pointed out how the little blob was pulsing away it was clear. And it was measuring a day ahead at 6w1d, so we came away quite overwhelmed. There was no sign of any subchorionic hematoma either, so they have no idea why I am still bleeding. The technician didn't seem concerned and said it's very common in the first trimester, but my RE always sounds a little more hesitant. When I called him later on he said to come in again in a week. When I told him I have to travel for work next week, from Sunday till the following Monday, he said if the bleeding is still ongoing I could come in on Thursday. Which would lead to the almost ridiculous total of 4 ultrasounds by the time I'm 6w4d.

Now for the not so great news. Not only is the bleeding continuing on and off, but last night I had what I can only describe as an attack, exactly the same as I occasionally get with AF on day 1. It starts with severe cramps, then I break out in a cold sweat. All the blood rushes from my face, and within about 10 minutes I am vomiting. This was combined with new, bright red bleeding. It only lasted about 15 minutes and then I was absolutely fine and the bleeding pretty much stopped, but it was terrifying for it to happen during pregnancy. I just don't know what to make of all this, and I am hoping beyond hope that it is not affecting what's going on inside my uterus. Mic blamed himself and said we shouldn't have dome so much walking yesterday, that I had tired myself out, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.

Despite all that, I am so happy that we have got this far, and I do have a small inner voice telling me that the baby is going to be fine. So again, I am going to try to just get used to this irritation and focus on the positive - we have a baby growing in there after 8 IVFs! If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is.

Hanging on by the skin of my teeth

It's been a dramatic few days, let's say, and not in a good way! I'm now apparently 5w6d, and it has been an absolute roller-coaster already.

The day after my 5w3d u/s, I started spotting again and decided to take the day off work and rest at home. Later in the day the spotting turned to red bleeding and I freaked out. I called my RE who by that time was already away for the weekend, but he told me to go to any nearby clinic and get another ultrasound. When I eventually found one that would take me, the doctor there was so sweet. She was literally about to close and all the other staff had gone home, but she agreed to give me an ultrasound (and she wouldn't even let me pay for it afterwards!). The u/s showed basically the same as the previous day - everything still intact and measuring correct. She advised me to take 3 days of bed rest, and to switch from progesterone suppositories to PIO (Progesterone in Oil) injections. I called my RE afterwards to check this with him and he agreed.

I am so confused about the whole progesterone thing. It seems my progesterone is very low, but there doesn't seem to be an accurate way to test this, as the blood test does not measure the effect of the suppositories and oral progesterone.

Anyway, after resting in bed for the rest of that day, the bleeding completely stopped, only to return yesterday evening - less than the previous day but it was certainly fresh blood, accompanied by wicked AF cramps. This morning I has quite a bit of brown discharge but no new bleeding and no cramps, and as of now (2pm) it seems to have stopped again. I called my RE and asked him if it would hurt to continue with all 3 forms of progesterone - PIO, oral and suppositories - and he said it wouldn't hurt. So that's what I'm doing. I can go in tomorrow for another ultrasound, at which point I'll be 6 weeks. Still maybe too early for the heartbeat, and I will have to do the u/s with the grumpy u/s technician instead of my RE, but I think it's worth it just to see if we're still measuring on track and if they can find a source of the bleeding.

So, this babe doesn't intend on giving mama an easy ride, it seems. I honestly don't mind bleeding every day for the next 8 months, as long as he/she sticks around. I have read so many stories and it seems about 50-50 success/eventual miscarriage. The one comfort I have is those great betas and perfect ultrasounds so far, so I am staying somewhat hopeful, but realistic....I know this could go either way at this point.

5w3d...

And it's relief once again! The ultrasound this morning was perfect, and showed one beautiful gestational sac and yolk sac. RE was pleased and said that they don't always see the yolk sac at this very early stage. My next ultrasound is in a week and we'll hopefully see a heartbeat by then. No idea if we can expect to hear it yet or just see it.

I asked about my progesterone levels (they were a little low, 12, the day of my first beta) and he said that the blood test doesn't even measure the effect of the suppositories and oral progesterone I'm taking. He got me to do another test anyway, and also told me to take a shot of Pregnyl today, just to be on the safe side. Anyway the test came back at 15.6. Really don't know if that's normal or not but I'm just going to follow my RE's advice and chill out.

Tell me, is it terrible of me to admit I would have loved it to have been twins? Mainly because the thought of potentially going through another 8 cycles of IVF to have a second child, and being 2 years older and 2 years less fertile, fills me with something close to blind panic right now. BUT, I am so utterly and overwhelmingly grateful that we have what looks like one strong chick pea, and part of me is also a tiny bit relieved - it's hard enough taking care of one newborn, let alone two, after all, and the pregnancy itself should be a little easier (especially on the herniated disc in my back that I've had for the last 5 years). The RE said there is still a possibility of twins, we can't confirm it until the next ultrasound, but in the meantime I am assuming we have a single, wonderful life growing in there, and I'm just going to hope to get through the next week without any bleeding scares!

And here is my very last pee stick picture, I promise!

Scaring mama

I am now, according to google, 5w2d and have my first ultrasound tomorrow. Everything was going swimmingly until I woke up this morning with bad AF cramps and then saw blood when I wiped. I freaked out, especially as any "symptoms" I had seemed to have gone, my boobs looked like they had returned to their normal size, and all I could feel was AF coming on.

I am blessed to live in a town where pretty much anything is possible, at any hour, so I literally got dressed, drove the 5 minutes to the nearest lab, asked for an HCG test, did it, went home, waited for an hour and a half and then called to get the results. I calculated that if my beta was doubling every 48 hours, it should be 3344 by now, so I just had this number going round and round in my head while waiting to call. And the actual result was.....7732!

Not that I have been obsessing on betabase or anything (ahem!), but that makes a doubling time of 34.84 hours. That's good, right? It's also well above the median beta for twins on 23dpo, but I am not even daring to hope that I might get that lucky. I called my RE about it all and he said the spotting and AF-type cramping is not concerning, and the beta is very strong and just to relax and come in tomorrow as planned.

I'm so glad I did the extra beta as I would have been stressing and upset about it the whole day otherwise. Still nervous about tomorrow, but a bit less so now! I swore I would enjoy every minute of this pregnancy and I hate to be Worrying Wendy, so I am really trying to take the doc's advice and relax now. And, touch wood, the spotting seems to have cleared up already.

To my darling baby/babies: Please don't scare me like that again! (Fat chance). Love, melodramatic mama xx

Recap

Finally I have a minute to sit down and fill in the details of the last few amazing days! Coincidentally all this has happened during the busiest week of the year at work and I have literally been rushed off my feet since hearing the news.

As you know, I had literally started to get over IVF#8 on 8dp5dt, when I had some bleeding and got a negative on an HPT. After all our previous negatives, there was no way I could believe that we would somehow get a miraculous late BFP, and especially with the bleeding, I just assumed it was over. We had a few pretty down days, and were discussing getting more opinions, consulting with an immunologist and another 2 doctors that had been recommended to us.  On maybe 10dp5dt I had just a moment when I thought that maybe my boobs had got a bit bigger, but I just pushed it aside as one of those crazy hopes that always come in the 2ww (see this post on hope...). On the morning of 11dp5dt I hadn't even thought about testing, in fact I sat most of the day researching immunology and donor embryos. I really don't know what possessed me to go and buy a couple of tests in the late afternoon. It was more or less unconscious, but looking back, maybe it was because the bleeding had completely cleared up, not a sign of it, or maybe it was the watery discharge I kept feeling.

When I did the test I left it about a minute and then glanced over at it. Unbelievable. It's not snow white, I kept thinking, it's not snow white. I started grinning like a Cheshire cat and immediately went to take a photo of it. I couldn't stop staring at it. Anyway to cut a long story short, Mic came home and I had wrapped up the test and written on it "Hopefully happy birthday!" (his birthday was the next day). I told him I had got him a birthday present. All the time I was thinking it could be a chemical and it might all be over the next day, but I was so happy just to have seen those two lines for the first time.

Next day was beta day. I foolishly took another HPT before going in, thinking that with first morning urine the line was bound to be stronger than the previous day. Wrong! It looked exactly the same, and I went in for the beta feeling despondent, feeling sure the beta would come back at 20 and then keep going down. I was expecting the nurses to call back, so when I got a call from a private number and heard a man's voice I didn't even realize it was our RE. I heard somebody saying that the result was very strong, and congratulations, and finally the penny dropped!

I don't get a second beta, but I'm having my first ultrasound next Wednesday. I am an IVF expert but about pregnancy, um, no, so I am not even sure how far along I will be by then. Some say 5w3d, some 5w1d. I guess I can hope to see a yoke sac and fetal pole by then, not much more. I am strangely calm, and just determined to enjoy every moment of being pregnant. Infertility makes us constantly fear the worst, and I know there's a chance things might not turn out well here, but I am just choosing to file that fear very far away and revel in the fact that today, I am pregnant for the first time ever. I couldn't be happier, and Mic is so cute when he talks about it, his whole face lights up. And he's spoiling me, which doesn't hurt :)

It is a source of constant wonder to me that this stuff is happening inside me. I am amazed every time I use the bathroom and there is no blood, and awed when I have to go pee every 10 minutes! I feel so lucky and blessed to be experiencing this most everyday of miracles, something that billions of women have experienced since time immemorial, and yet something that for many of us is a distant dream, almost unimaginable.

Oh yes, and I did pee on another stick this morning, just to be able to see a kick-ass dark line. And here it is!

drum roll.........

And the beta is in. Cue me in total shock! Beta is 418 on 12dp5dt!

I seriously can't believe it, especially as I did an HPT just before I went in for the beta and it seemed just as faint as yesterday.

Holy crap, I am pregnant!

I have to run to work but will post a full update later.

11dp5dt...?

Ok, so maybe, just maybe, I spoke too soon! I just did a test on a whim, because AF never did show up properly and I've just had a couple of unremarkable but odd symptoms.
So what are we thinking of this? It's taken late in the afternoon with very pale pee, so the line is a bit faint...but it's definitely there!

Beta tomorrow. I am looking at this positively whatever happens....I am praying like crazy, as much as an atheist can pray, that this is the sticky one. But even if it's not, it is surely progress. I was convinced that my uterus was toxic and was poisoning all my babies. So I'm going to look at it as one step closer to our family.

Deja Vu

8dp5dt. It's all over, again. Bleeding and the HPT is negative. I can't write more at the moment, I'm too spaced out and sad, but this baby quest is NOT OVER! Join me for the next installment, coming soon.