It doesn't look good

I can't even muster the energy to write a proper post about what has been going on. I have updated the "story so far" page with all the details. But briefly, I have had some bleeding (pink and brown, not fresh blood) and my betas have slowed down a lot. I had an ultrasound at 20dp2dt (5 weeks? 5 weeks 1 day? Something like that) and the RE found a tiny, tiny, possible gestational sac but nothing more, which is why she got me to go and do another beta. The doubling time slowed down to 90 hours then, and today I did another beta, which is still rising but with a doubling time of 99 hours.

I am 99.9999999% sure this pregnancy is not viable. But it's killing me to keep waiting and keep taking the luteal support (which could be artificially propping up the beta number). I begged my RE for another u/s and she said I could come in tomorrow.

That is all. I am trying, and failing, to keep my mind off it and keep busy.

Lucky number 13...

Sooooooooooooo. How can I put this?

Let's start from the day after my last post. I started with a terrible sore throat the day before transfer, so I showed up to ET feeling ill and depressed with the poor fertilization. They told me that overnight another one had fertilized, so we had one 4-cell and one 6-cell. 6 cells on day 2 is pretty weird, embryos should be 2-4 cells by then and after doing a bit of googling it seemed like a really fast-growing embryo might have chromosomal problems. Anyway, back they went.

Then my little boy got ill and I took him over the border with a high fever and an eye infection. Day by day I got worse as well, got the same sinus infection as my son which made my eyes swell up, and ended up with a bronchial cough. I assumed there was no way an embryo could survive through all that and so honestly didn't give the 2ww much of a thought.

Fast forward to April 18 (2 days ago) and I went for the beta, preparing myself as usual for the same old result. More than 2 hours later still no result, so I called the lab. They have never volunteered a result over the phone before so I was expecting just to remind them to send it to me. The young man on the other end of the phone said, "ok, just hold on a moment.....111." It didn't even register for a few seconds, and then I just said "Are you serious?" Fast forward again, through the bit where I never received the result by email and ended up phoning another branch of the same lab, who read me out an old result which was negative - heart on ground moment - but I eventually got the correct result on paper! And today was Beta no. 2, which was 286.

I can hardly believe we have been given another miracle. It's so early of course, anything could happen, but the beta numbers are encouraging for 12dp2dt and 14dp2dt.

I haven't even POAS yet, still. I actually forgot to buy pee sticks both yesterday and today, which is just bizarre. But since I have to wait until May 2nd for an u/s I think I will stock up to keep reassured every few days.

Today, internet, I am pregnant!

Ten steps forward, nine steps back

Yesterday was ER day. I had traveled to our neighboring country where we have 2 vials of frozen sperm stored. I had done all the monitoring appointments in our local clinic (my 4th RE clinic), and they were saying I should expect about 5 eggs. So I was super happy when they retrieved ten yesterday. Then I got the fert report this morning. Out of 6 mature eggs, only 1 fertilized. So we're doing a 2 day transfer tomorrow. If the embryo makes it till then. Man, I can't even process this. I don't even want to think about it.

I am working really hard on making peace with the idea that our little boy may be an only child. And I am getting there, I really am. He'll be ok. He will be loved and taken care of and we will do whatever it takes to make sure he has a great social life and plenty of playmates. The thing I am finding it hard to get over is the resentment about how much money we have spent on this. Of course, if it works, it will be worth it and we will forget about the financial loss immediately. But what if it never does work again, And we have done another 8 cycles with nothing to show for it except a huge hole in our pockets? Where will I put my resentment then? How will I deal with it?