Update, finally!

So, a lot has happened since the last time I posted. We decided to have the amniocentesis in the end. We went for our appointment but were told after the ultrasound that it would be better to wait another week, so that there would be more cells in the amniotic fluid. Another week of stress...but it went smoothly the following week. I heard later from friends and relatives that they were really traumatized by having the amnio, but actually I didn't find it too bad. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the amnio went totally smoothly and the results were perfectly fine. And it confirmed that we're having a boy! We are so stoked!

We have since then decided where I will be giving birth (it's in my home country rather than the country we currently live in), sorted out my maternity leave (I'm taking a year off) and, well, I can't hide any more that I'm pregnant, so I'm completely open about it these days. We have not bought a single baby-related item yet, but I guess it will all get done eventually. I am feeling completely fine, apart from having terribly sore legs when I sleep and just feeling a bit whacked after fairly minimal exertion. Mainly I am just in awe of my belly growing, and Mic is too. The way he looks at me when I get undressed is priceless!

I think the most amazing thing is that I have just written a completely normal, uneventful pregnancy blog post!  I finally feel like a regular pregnant woman instead of a neurotic, frightened IVF veteran. I absolutely love it.

the post-ultrasound honeymoon

Every time I have an ultrasound and am reassured that baby is fine, growing perfectly and not missing any limbs, I have a sort of honeymoon period of utter relaxation and confidence which lasts about 5 or 6 days before I start worrying again. I spill the beans to a few more people, only to regret it when the honeymoon is over and wish that I hadn't told anyone, because what if everything goes wrong?

Anyway I am now in that happy honeymoon place, as I had an OB appointment and u/s yesterday (15 weeks), and yes, everything is looking great. Ok, the placenta is still too close to the cervix, but doc said it's minor and I really shouldn't worry about it. It's not worse than before, so I'll take it. I can't even describe what it does for my peace of mind when I see the little mite stretching, waving and practice chewing, and it makes me so grateful to be living in this century with all its technological possibilities.

The other thing I haven't written about yet is our NT scan and bloods. The NT ultrasound looked perfect, measurements showed very low risk and the nasal bone was seen, etc. But when I got my blood results back they combined to give me a 1:60 risk of Downs syndrome, which is considered high risk. At my age it should be around 1:230. So the question is, what to do now? This is a very tricky one, and I know a lot of people have strong positions on this, but here goes. We haven't made any absolute decision, but I think that if we had a definite diagnosis of Downs, we would probably terminate. I'm not even going to get into the whole discussion of why or why not here, and I hope people will not ask me to. But basically, we have had two completely opposite pieces of advice from our health care professionals about what we should do.  Our RE, who ordered the tests in the first place, advises us to go ahead and have an amniocentesis. Our OB, on the other hand, does not trust the blood test results, says they give a lot of false positives, and says if you compare the supposed risk of Downs (1:60) to the risk of losing the baby in the amnio (1:50 or 2 %), the risk of losing the baby is greater, so he would not recommend the amnio. It's a good point. So, do we risk having a baby with Downs that we would otherwise have terminated, or do we risk losing a potentially perfectly healthy baby in the amnio? I think what we have decided to do is to do the triple test, which should give us a slightly more accurate measure of the probability, and based on that decide whether to do the amnio or not. So the triple test will be in a week, and my present honeymoon period will surely be well and truly over by then.

As for the gender of the baby, the OB gave us a 99% prediction yesterday. But I'm going to make you wait until I know for sure!

Scaring mama....part 2

So, since the scary bleeding from week 5 - week 6, my pregnancy has been completely unremarkable and sweetly uneventful. I have been lucky to have plenty of scans, including one at 11 weeks and my NT scan at 12 weeks. So far I don't think I have gone more than 2 weeks without a scan, which has been very reassuring. I have had lots of great nausea and my belly even seems to be growing already, although whether that's true baby bump or pregnancy bloating is hard to tell.

So I was quite unprepared for waking up this morning (12w6d) with stabbing pains in my abdomen, and then, lo and behold, blood. I was actually quite calm in the circumstance, but Mic was literally going round in circles with panic. He called my OB (yes! I have one of those now!) who said to come in for an emergency ultrasound a couple of hours later. By the time I got there the bleeding had lightened to spotting and the pain had subsided quite a lot, so I was quite hopeful, but still super nervous.

Anyway, all is well with the baby, nothing wrong there. My placenta is in slightly the wrong position and has a small tear in it, hence the bleeding. And, as usual, there's absolutely nothing I can do to make it better. Rest won't help, the same thing might well happen again, and it's not dangerous. That's what I've been told, so I'm going to choose to believe it!

The only thing I can do is stay on those pesky progesterone suppositories, and if the bleeding happens again and is prolonged, he'll put me back on PIO. And - the silver lining - my next appointment is in 2 weeks, so once again, the agonizing wait between ultrasounds has been blessedly cut short.

Hopefully the next time I post an update it will be completely absent of any drama and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to tell you if the little troublemaker in there is male or female!

telling at ten weeks

We decided that if everything was fine at our 10 week ultrasound, we would tell Mic's mother and brothers and sisters. Thankfully the scan looked perfect - chick pea was upside down but little hands could be seen waving about and there was plenty of movement, as well as measuring on track. I had a really rough week at 9 weeks with nausea and extreme exhaustion, so it was a huge relief when at 10 weeks it seemed to ease up and I felt a bit more human. So yes, we took our little u/s picture and showed it to MIL. It took her a while to figure out what it was - I guess they didn't have any of that technology in her day - but she was SO happy. Of course she attributed it to us praying more and all kinds of divine intervention, but I don't begrudge her that!

So we have now told both our families and a very few close friends. I'm waiting till 12 weeks to tell my boss, and as for everyone else, there will be no announcements! They'll just have to figure it out when my belly pops. Speaking of which...I have always had a little belly anyway, but could always suck it in to nothing. Now it seems it's here to stay and although it's not any bigger than it was yet, pulling it in just doesn't work any more! I'm already using the rubber band around the button trick on my trousers, and the new bra I bought at 7 weeks is already needing replaced. I still get tired very quickly, but at least I don't have 2-hour naps at 11am any more, lol.

Feeling very blessed and lucky to be here. After 8 IVFs and a very scary start to this pregnancy, I didn't dare dream that we would ever be in this position. I'm still looking for an OB to see locally but should have my first appointment by the end of this week and start thinking about NT screening etc. I had better get a move on!

"If I can do it, anyone can?"

I'm 8w3d today and had another ultrasound this morning. Baby is looking great and was jumping up and down at a rate of knots! I also heard the heartbeat for the first time. RE assures me that everything looks perfect, and I am just to keep taking the progesterone and estrogen for another 4 weeks, and go back for another appointment in 2 - 3 weeks. I am finally starting to have some confidence that this baby is here to stay, and finally enjoying my pregnancy like I promised at the beginning!

When I started this blog, it was in the hope that one day, I would be able to offer hope and encouragement to others who have had multiple IVF failures. And it would be tempting at this point to write a post to all of those people, saying "don't give up! If I can finally have success, anyone can!" But I now believe that that would be too simplistic, too unrealistic, and even a little disrespectful to some people. It is true that I have found real solace and huge hope from reading and hearing stories of other women who have gone through endless treatments and have eventually got pregnant and given birth, and I still hope that my blog will be a source of all these things to women who find themselves in similar circumstances. However, today I want to focus on those criteria that are game changers, and that lead many people down different roads.

1. Desire
Let's face it, if you are going to put your body and your pocket through endless strain, you have to have a really really strong desire to be pregnant. Many women are motivated more by motherhood than pregnancy itself and are ready to look at other options quite quickly. Some do IVF at the request of their partner and are not really convinced that it's what they want to do; others put a limit on how many times they will do IVF from the very beginning. And there are hundreds of other reasons why doing multiple IVFs is just not for everyone. I have huge respect for all those difficult decisions that people are faced with every day.

2. Money
If you don't have a good supply of money or pretty exceptional insurance (I only know one country where people have free access to an unlimited number of IVFs for their first 2 children), multiple IVFs are simply impossible. I will never cease to be grateful for the fact that we could afford this, and although we literally could have built a house with the money we have spent so far on IVF and other treatments, we really did not suffer hugely. I don't have the figures, but I would guess that the vast majority of people with infertility in the world simply cannot afford what we did.

3. Resilience
If you have the desire and the money, and have decided to go for the long haul, you also need to be emotionally tough as nails in order to deal with the constant disappointments. Although resilience can (maybe) be learned to a certain extent later in life, my feeling is that it's about 90% genetics and childhood upbringing, and therefore not under our control to a large extent. Don't get me wrong, there were times when we wondered how we would get out of bed and face the world again after another BFN, but I think we are both really blessed in that we bounce back pretty quickly. For some people, the strain would be too much to handle, and I think that is perfectly normal and an excellent reason to say "enough".

4. Medical hope
If we had been told by several doctors that we should think about other options because IVF wasn't likely to work for us with our own eggs/sperm, we would definitely have gone down another road a long time ago. We're optimistic but not crazy. Doctors, although I don't believe them blindly, do have a lot of influence over the decisions we take, and rightly so. After our 6th IVF, I asked our RE if it was him and his wife in our situation, would he carry on trying? When he said yes, he would, it gave us a pretty big boost in confidence to go on.

5.  Lady Luck
Some people get pregnant after 8 tries, some after 10, some after 17, and some....some never do. We were so aware every time we did IVF that this might never happen for us and we might end up broke and with nothing to show for it. So the phrase "if I can do it, anyone can", just isn't accurate.


I am lucky enough to belong to an online forum of women who have been supporting each other through infertility for the last 2 years. In that group, we have people who have been successful on their first or second IVF attempt; one who had a disastrous IVF which was converted to an IUI, which worked; one who had 2 failed IVFs and was just about to use donor eggs for her 3rd attempt when she fell pregnant naturally; several who have used donor sperm, donor eggs or donor embryos; one who is pursuing motherhood through a gestational carrier after several IVF failures and miscarriages; one who is waiting for an adoption placement after 4 IVFs; two who adopted first, then had their second child through IVF; one who had her first child through IVF and has been trying for 2 years to have her second; and yes, there are also those who simply stopped appearing on the board. Did they succeed in IVF? Did they choose to live child free? Did they find another road to go down? We'll probably never know. Each one has gone through a deeply emotional and personal journey to get to where they are, and anyone contemplating IVF will have to go through their own unique and often difficult journey. I wish each and every one happiness, whatever that looks like, and if happiness is not possible, the equanimity to live with the cards they are dealt.

...And still hanging on...

I went for another ultrasound yesterday, 6w0d. My RE said if the bleeding continued I should do the u/s earlier rather than later, so we went in to the clinic in the morning and waited for about an hour. The grumpy u/s technician was surprisingly sweet yesterday - Mic reckoned it was because he was there! He may have a point. The poor woman sees nobody but sad infertile women all day and does nothing but poke a wand up their vaginas from morning till night. So having a man make an entrance might have just been the highlight of her day.

Anyway, the great, amazing, unbelievable news is that our baby's heart is beating! We couldn't see it at first but when she pointed out how the little blob was pulsing away it was clear. And it was measuring a day ahead at 6w1d, so we came away quite overwhelmed. There was no sign of any subchorionic hematoma either, so they have no idea why I am still bleeding. The technician didn't seem concerned and said it's very common in the first trimester, but my RE always sounds a little more hesitant. When I called him later on he said to come in again in a week. When I told him I have to travel for work next week, from Sunday till the following Monday, he said if the bleeding is still ongoing I could come in on Thursday. Which would lead to the almost ridiculous total of 4 ultrasounds by the time I'm 6w4d.

Now for the not so great news. Not only is the bleeding continuing on and off, but last night I had what I can only describe as an attack, exactly the same as I occasionally get with AF on day 1. It starts with severe cramps, then I break out in a cold sweat. All the blood rushes from my face, and within about 10 minutes I am vomiting. This was combined with new, bright red bleeding. It only lasted about 15 minutes and then I was absolutely fine and the bleeding pretty much stopped, but it was terrifying for it to happen during pregnancy. I just don't know what to make of all this, and I am hoping beyond hope that it is not affecting what's going on inside my uterus. Mic blamed himself and said we shouldn't have dome so much walking yesterday, that I had tired myself out, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.

Despite all that, I am so happy that we have got this far, and I do have a small inner voice telling me that the baby is going to be fine. So again, I am going to try to just get used to this irritation and focus on the positive - we have a baby growing in there after 8 IVFs! If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is.

Hanging on by the skin of my teeth

It's been a dramatic few days, let's say, and not in a good way! I'm now apparently 5w6d, and it has been an absolute roller-coaster already.

The day after my 5w3d u/s, I started spotting again and decided to take the day off work and rest at home. Later in the day the spotting turned to red bleeding and I freaked out. I called my RE who by that time was already away for the weekend, but he told me to go to any nearby clinic and get another ultrasound. When I eventually found one that would take me, the doctor there was so sweet. She was literally about to close and all the other staff had gone home, but she agreed to give me an ultrasound (and she wouldn't even let me pay for it afterwards!). The u/s showed basically the same as the previous day - everything still intact and measuring correct. She advised me to take 3 days of bed rest, and to switch from progesterone suppositories to PIO (Progesterone in Oil) injections. I called my RE afterwards to check this with him and he agreed.

I am so confused about the whole progesterone thing. It seems my progesterone is very low, but there doesn't seem to be an accurate way to test this, as the blood test does not measure the effect of the suppositories and oral progesterone.

Anyway, after resting in bed for the rest of that day, the bleeding completely stopped, only to return yesterday evening - less than the previous day but it was certainly fresh blood, accompanied by wicked AF cramps. This morning I has quite a bit of brown discharge but no new bleeding and no cramps, and as of now (2pm) it seems to have stopped again. I called my RE and asked him if it would hurt to continue with all 3 forms of progesterone - PIO, oral and suppositories - and he said it wouldn't hurt. So that's what I'm doing. I can go in tomorrow for another ultrasound, at which point I'll be 6 weeks. Still maybe too early for the heartbeat, and I will have to do the u/s with the grumpy u/s technician instead of my RE, but I think it's worth it just to see if we're still measuring on track and if they can find a source of the bleeding.

So, this babe doesn't intend on giving mama an easy ride, it seems. I honestly don't mind bleeding every day for the next 8 months, as long as he/she sticks around. I have read so many stories and it seems about 50-50 success/eventual miscarriage. The one comfort I have is those great betas and perfect ultrasounds so far, so I am staying somewhat hopeful, but realistic....I know this could go either way at this point.