Hope...

So, as expected this cycle has ended with another BFN and yet again, I started bleeding before the beta (which is tomorrow). I think, through all my IVF cycles, I have only once actually got to beta day without a clue what the result would be. Otherwise it has been this wearily familiar pattern of cramps and eventually AF starting several days before the blood test, and me spending the last few days cursing every time I put a progesterone suppository in because I knew it was worthless. This time the cramps actually started just 7 days after transfer, so I have had the joy of feeling like I had AF constantly for the last week, and yet the spotting only started today, so I know I have another week of it to look forward to!

Despite the constant disappointments and the repeated early warnings, I have to say that I have discovered that hope must be by far the most resilient of human emotions. It goes like this:

7dp3dt - AF cramps start. I think: "oh, that's odd, that's never happened this early before. Wonder if it's a good sign?"
9dp3dt - boobs stop being sore: I think: "ah well, seems it didn't work this time."
10dp3dt - still cramping but no blood. I think: "In previous cycles I've always started spotting by now...maybe this is one of these pregnancies people talk about where they felt exactly like AF was coming right before their BFP."
11dp3dt: do an HPT. Negative. I think: "Oh well, it wasn't to be. They were rubbish quality embryos after all."
11dp3dt in the evening: I start urinating frequently and get diarrhea. I google "11dp3dt BFN 12dp3dt BFP" and diarrhea as pregnancy symptom. I think: "Maybe it's not over yet?"
12dp3dt: still no blood. Urinating frequently. AF cramps GONE. I think: "could I have a miracle on my hands?"
13dp3dt: spotting starts. I think: "Crap. Anyway, never mind, we'll start IVF#8 right away."

And that's really what it's like! It's quite incredible that all my attempts at gritty realism fail so miserably as soon as I get a tiny thread of hope. The only thing I have learned, really, is not to verbalize any of these crazy thoughts, at least not until it's over, so I can keep a fraction of my dignity intact.

Mic and I have a kind of unwritten rule these days that we don't talk about any of this stuff in the 2ww. He might ask me once, "so when will we know?", but other than that we just try to forget about it. I don't know how this works for him, but any woman who has done IVF or is even TTC naturally will tell you it's completely impossible to forget. But for me, not talking about it is the closest I come to forgetting about it, so I'll take it!

So, our next step is, I'll go for the beta tomorrow (I ALWAYS go for the beta, even when I'm 100% sure it's a bust. You know, just in case). And I'll call my RE and ask if I can go straight into another cycle without taking a month off. If I have to take a month off, it will probably end up being 2 because I have a work trip at the end of May and it would probably clash, so I really hope he agrees. We'll dig deep into out pockets again and just bite the bullet. We have decided, for now, to just keep trying with our 11 frozen sperm samples until we run out of them, and then think of other options. Having potentially another 11 BFNs to look forward to is quite a thought. But hell, it's just another year. And of course, there's always the little voice of hope, saying "It might work you know. Maybe next time."