IVF # 9...up on the starting blocks

I finally got AF yesterday after my BFN (thank goodness for POAS and betas, otherwise I would definitely have convinced myself I was pregnant!), and, well, we're off again. I went for an ultrasound this morning, which was fine, bought my stims and the other shots in the afternoon, and took my first shot of decapeptyl this evening. We are using the same protocol as last time: a short protocol with the maximum dosage, 8 ampules of Menopur 75 every day and half a decapeptyl 0.1. Seems like a heck of a lot of hormones, I know, but I have never yet had OHSS and get an average of about 7 to 10 eggs usually.

Every IVF cycle from start to (usually) devastating finish takes about a month out of my life. So far, including the FET, that's almost 9 complete months where I have basically thought about very little else. This time I am resolving not to waste so much time and energy. I saw a post on facebook today which reminded me that Mozart composed the overture to Don Giovanni on the morning of its premiere, which kind of puts time into perspective when you're sitting around using precious moments to think about whether something that is completely out of your control is going to work or not.  Disclaimer: I exempt myself from this resolve in the final few days of the 2ww! If I even get that far. I haven't yet had nothing to transfer, but I like to remind myself that that could be an outcome. I did have one cycle when I only had one tiny little late fertilizer, which was a huge shock to me at the time.

Onwards! 

11dp5dt

And it's a BFN guys. Which is what I always expected this cycle to be, with my poor lonely little 5-day morula. But still, when I got to 11dp5dt and there was no sign of AF, I couldn't help being just a little hopeful.

Anyway, onwards! I have to talk to Mic, he's on the other side of the world right now (and still doesn't know), and we'll decide when to go on with IVF#9. I hope we can do it this month. Once I've started cycling I just like to go on, back to back, until my body or mind cry out for a break. I just keep thinking, I'm 38, and I don't want my age suddenly to become a major factor, on top of all the other problems we have. But Mic isn't a bottomless pit of money, and all this is out of his pocket, so we'll have to see.

Thank goodness for chick pea. He reminds me that IVF can actually work, and he keeps me busy enough that I don't have much time to wallow.

9dp5dt and holding

Oh yes, I remember this. The 2ww. I am mentally perfectly fine during the first week, but physically ridiculously clumsy. I keep tripping over, banging into things and automatically thinking, "oh well, I've  blown it." Then the second week comes along. I relax a bit physically - I mean it either implanted or it didn't - but fall to bits mentally. The internal dialogue starts. "Should I just POAS?" "No! It's too early!" "Yes, but you never know, you might get a nice surprise." "But I might get a nasty one too." "Let's just google 8dp5dt BFN and then BFP." "Great idea, but you already had that experience yourself when you got pregnant last time."

You get the gist. And then, if I have managed to avoid going into a pharmacy all week and therefore don't actually have any HPTs in the house, I get to today, 9dp5dt, and suddenly I'm all zen. I don't feel the urge to run out of the house, leaving the baby on his own, and buy 65 HPTs. I am still a little bit hopeful, even with our one little lonely morula, because I haven't started spotting yet. But I know that the odds are against us, and I know I'll be okay if it's negative. I have decided not to test until 11dp5dt (the day I got my BFP last time) and I will not be swayed.

So tomorrow afternoon I will go to the pharmacy and buy ONE test. If I buy 2 I will lose my cool and convince myself to test tomorrow, but if it's just one, I know I will wait until Thursday to test with FMU. And then, hopefully, I will be able to get some work done, whatever the result, because for the last 5 days I have been utterly useless.

Let's try this again

I said in my last post that I might be back here when we decided to try for another baby. So here I am, slap bang in the middle of my 2ww after my first ever FET! In my last cycle (the miraculous one that produced my son, who's now 15 months old) we had 2 morulas to freeze on day 5, and so of course the intention was to put them both back now. Unfortunately one of them didn't survive the thaw, but the other one was "good", so in it went. And we wait. I am now 6dp5dt. Remember my last cycle? Where I tested on 8dp5dt and got a BFN, and then again on 11dp5dt and got a BFP? Yeah. So I won't be testing early this time. 5 more sleeps at least. I am, naturally, realistic about our chances, I know they are slim given our history and given the slow growing embryo. But I figure that at least it has been a gentle way to start TTC again, - no shots, no ER, still a lot of money but not the huge bucks of a full IVF. And there's always a little chance, that tiny flame of hope...

I guess I should backtrack a little. I'm now 38, so we didn't want to hang about to try for no.2. On the other hand I was determined to breastfeed for a year. I got my period back in August, and got excited for about 5 minutes, thinking we could restart IVF while I was still breastfeeding. Then my RE told me that IVF is much less likely to work with breastfeeding, so we just waited it out until January. I saw my RE then who told me to do bloodwork after I got my next period, which was Feb 11. I started the estrogen which regulates the cycle, but every time I went for a monitoring appointment, my lining was not ready and not improving. Eventually we cancelled the cycle after about a month of this. It's the first time I have ever had an issue with my lining, but I guess if I want to enter the record books, I have to go through it ALL, right?  

Can I just say? I love, love, LOVE life with our little one, and I am hoping with every inch of my being that he gets to be a big brother.

Yes, he was born! Last post for now.

I owe any readers a post to let you know that my precious boy was born in early January, safe and well! He's four and a half months already, and I can't believe where the time has gone! I had a pretty terrible delivery: I had to be induced after my waters broke spontaneously but I didn't have contractions and there was meconium in the amniotic fluid. In the end he was delivered with forceps and I had a 3rd degree tear and an episiotomy. I am still suffering from what I think must have been a botched stitching up job, and I may have to have corrective surgery, but anyway, the important thing is that baby boy was none the worse, and he is now a thriving, giggling bundle of love. I am insanely proud that his chubby thighs are a result of exclusively breastfeeding!

This blog was always meant to be about infertility and our journey to becoming parents, and therefore I am not going to keep it going with stories about motherhood, wonderful though I think those stories are. So I'm signing off for now....BUT when baby boy is about a year old, we will be right back in the game trying for number 2. I am already 37 and will be 38 by then, so I don't want my age to end up being a major factor, we have enough problems as it is! So this blog will be resumed when our journey for a sibling starts.

Good luck and infinite patience to all those who are still on the journey.

almost there

I think there's maybe just one person out there who reads this blog, and she has just given me a gentle nudge to come and update, so journey2dfuture, this is for you! And for anyone else at any time in the future who might be clutching at the straws of fertility treatments, scouring the internet for just one success story which speaks to them and their situation.

We are doing great, me and baby boy. I am 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant, and have recently travelled back to my home country to await his arrival. I sleep badly and have horrible heartburn, but apart from that I feel wonderful and am enjoying every day of my ninth month. I am ridiculously proud of my bump, overwhelmingly grateful that everything is so normal now in my pregnancy, incredibly happy that Mic and I will be parents very soon, and a teeny bit daunted of course by the thought of it all. Will I really be able to handle the lack of sleep? I think that's my biggest concern. When I imagine parenting a newborn, I picture myself handling all the other stuff ok - breastfeeding, nappies, crying, bathing, bonding - but I just can't imagine never sleeping for more than 2 hours at a stretch for months on end. I keep telling myself that everyone does it and most people seem to cope just fine, and it does calm me down. I'll be fine, right?

Mic is arriving on 2nd January, so little one has to stay put until then. I am really hoping he comes a bit early rather than late though...Mic can't take unlimited time off work and if baby boy decides to arrive 2 weeks late, his daddy will barely be able to say hello to him before he has to head home. Maybe if things are still looking stable at my next appointment (27th), I'll suggest he postpones coming by another few days. Hmmm....

Meantime I am chilling out at my mother's place, bit by bit preparing everything. I have bought pretty much everything I need for baby, started washing his clothes, arranged the cord blood collection, read all the books in the world on newborn care, etc etc. I am really enjoying the fact that I won't be going back to work for at least a year, and can put all my energy into this precious person. I know how lucky I am to be able to do that - to have a husband that can manage it financially and to have a job that loves me so much that they will take me back whenever I decide the time is right.

Honestly, I probably won't post another update until baby boy is born, so I hope my next post will be as a tired, proud, new mom!

so far.....so good!

I have been a lousy blogger these days, but it feels like for me, it's for all the right reasons. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE when people update their blogs regularly, and I'm an avid fan of several. But for me, right now, it has become more important to connect, or rather re-connect, with the real world around me. My house is much cleaner, my kitchen is getting more use, my husband is getting more of my undivided attention, I am starting to see friends more often....call it nesting or whatever you want, but I am really enjoying my electronic cut-back at the moment and have no plans to up my internet hours any time soon!

As for my pregnancy, it is going beautifully now. I feel great most of the time (with the exception of around 5am - 7am when there is no chance that I will sleep and my legs get really uncomfortable) and mainly have loads of energy. Bump is getting reassuringly bigger (see my 25-week pic below), and finally, finally, at exactly 25 weeks, I felt my first real kick, and they have been regular ever since. I had been a bit defensive about it, because everyone kept asking me if he was kicking, and all I had been feeling was him kind of rolling around slowly. OB said it was normal because I have an anterior placenta. But still, it was a relief when I finally got to feel his little punches.

My last urine test /culture showed up a UTI, although I have had no symptoms, so I am on antibiotics right now to get rid of that. But I passed the 1-hour glucose test, and my weight gain has been almost zero over the last month, despite the fact that chick-pea has grown from 680g to over a kilo, which is good, I think, as I had put on about 3 kilos in the previous month.

And here's the belly shot :)