And on, and on, and on...

The beta came back today at 8. Obviously no chance for a viable pregnancy. I just hope AF shows within the next 3 days and I don't have to go through beta hell. My RE said I should stop all the meds but that if AF doesn't show within 3 days I have to do a repeat beta.

I am pissed. And sad. And in renewed amazement about actually having had a pregnancy at all and having given birth to our beautiful son. It's looking like our chances were always close to zero, so it's just a miracle that he could have happened.

With 7 vials of sperm left, and given that they used 2 this time round, and that each time they are using the best vials so the quality is going to keep going down, I really don't have a lot of hope left for another biological child. I estimate we have another 4 or 5 attempts max before all the sperm is gone, and it's pretty damn doubtful that any of them will result in anything. The donor embryo issue is picking away at my mind, and in a way I would love to just abandon the bio route and go for donor embryos right away. I know that Mic wouldn't agree though, and I just hope we can do back-to-back cycles starting in January and get this over with before I turn 40.

Another random observation: despite the result, I much preferred getting it direct from the beta and not faffing around with stupid HPTs. I would do it like that again.

changing the record

I have decided, in the spirit of shaking up the karma a bit, not to POAS on Saturday, but just to go for the beta. Yes, emotionally, I can take it, in case you're wondering! Mind you, whether I will truly make it that far is another question, because the AF cramps have kicked in full swing and I may well start bleeding before then. In which case all previous decisions will be chucked out the window for sure.

I am allowing myself 20 minutes a day to obsess pointlessly and google symptoms and success/failure stories. I know it's an absolutely ridiculous pursuit, but it's a bit like going on a diet - you need to have the occasional chocolate fix just to keep you going. I literally set a timer and when it's over I get on with my life and my work. It works for me :)

8dp3dt....whatever it is, it's coming

So the AF cramps have started now, and the little gurgly sounds in my stomach which signal AF is on her way. Or which signal my uterus is expanding. So all I know is that the result is on its way, pretty soon. Officially I test on 11dp3dt. And no way will I POAS before then, unless I have any bleeding. Not after last time (negative HPT on 8dp5dt and then positive on 11dp5dt).

3 more sleeps.

6dp3dt in IVF #10

I'm really just updating this for future reference, because I forget so many details of what I was feeling in previous 2wws. Basically this time has been the same as every other time. Zero symptoms until I got to 3dp3dt, and then I get this heavy, pulling feeling in my womb or somewhere near there, which has more or less been there ever since. A few little jabby pains (but only on 3dp and 4dp), bloating. That's about it. Absolutely none the wiser, of course.

Mentally I am doing really well this cycle. I feel good that nobody knows, not even my IVF support group on facebook who have been there for me through thick and thin. I think this has just allowed me not to focus a lot on it - nobody has any expectations of anything, and nobody is asking how I am doing or feeling, so I am just keeping busy. Of course I think about it a lot, but it's not every waking moment, not by a long shot.

5 more sleeps.

Continued

As for symptoms: Nope. None. Except diarrhoea from the crinone. Joy.

IVF #10, 2ww-ing

I am having a really low-profile cycle this time. Haven't told a soul, and I don't think anyone reads this blog, but it's good to just record stuff that I will probably forget later. I'm 2dp3dt right now.
I switched clinics this time around, although for the stimulation I still went to my old RE. Wish I hadn't actually, as he just took extra money which we could have saved. It also involved transporting frozen sperm in a vacuum flask from one city to another (I put the flask between my legs as I drove and hoped for the best!). We transported 3 vials and still have 4 left in the original location.

8 eggs were retrieved, not my best number by a long shot but whatever. 4 were fertilized, again not such a great percentage but I guess I have to accept that at almost 39 now, my age is going to start playing a role in the results. 2 vials of sperm were used. That mean we have a total of 7 vials left, 5 in this country and 2 in a neighboring country where we did our first 5 attempts.

The best thing about this cycle has been having regular direct contact with the embryologist. She gave me her mobile number! I was going to insist on a 5 day transfer, but actually after talking to her I was convinced to do the 3 day. We transfer everything anyway so waiting another 2 days to see what the best ones are is meaningless. In earlier cycles when we were using fresh sperm I think I was justified in asking for 5 day transfers because I wanted to see if it was the sperm, which takes over the work on day 3, that was just not functioning. But now that we're using frozen there's nothing to be done about the sperm quality anyway, we just have what we have. And I guess the final thing that swung it for me was the thought that maybe the lab doesn't have the most advanced and modern culture to keep the embryos in, so actually keeping them till day 5 outside could be putting them at risk.

On day 3 all 4 were still growing -  we had 2 perfect 8-cells, and 2 6-cells, one of which was pretty fragmented. And here we are again in 2ww hell. I have work tomorrow and intend to go back to a full life so I don't think too much about it, but even after 10 times, it's hard. Really hard! It is actually weirdly comforting to have a limited number of tries left. It's like it's completely out of our hands, we just do what we can and the rest is up to the universe....and it won't go on for ever. 

IVF#9, the postmortem

Well, another cycle, another failure. And nothing to freeze. What to say about it? I had a great ER, got 16 eggs, 10 fertilized, but by day 3 they were down to 7 and by day 5 just two were still growing, an early blast and a morula. We put them both back of course. One stuck to the catheter and had to be reloaded and transferred again. And then there was the usual 2ww full of highs and lows, hope and despondency, symptoms which came and went. I guess my "women are super fertile after having a baby" window has passed, so we're back to facing the long haul.

Two things making me sad: firstly we are struggling financially and we can't afford to do another back-to back cycle. Who knows when we will scrape together enough money to cycle again. I hope in 1 month, but I just don't know. Secondly, each time we do IVF they are choosing the best sperm from what is left, so each time the quality is going to go down. So I suppose our chances are going to keep on getting worse.

Thank goodness for my beautiful little boy. If I didn't have him I'm sure I would have gone bananas a long time ago.