Ten steps forward, nine steps back

Yesterday was ER day. I had traveled to our neighboring country where we have 2 vials of frozen sperm stored. I had done all the monitoring appointments in our local clinic (my 4th RE clinic), and they were saying I should expect about 5 eggs. So I was super happy when they retrieved ten yesterday. Then I got the fert report this morning. Out of 6 mature eggs, only 1 fertilized. So we're doing a 2 day transfer tomorrow. If the embryo makes it till then. Man, I can't even process this. I don't even want to think about it.

I am working really hard on making peace with the idea that our little boy may be an only child. And I am getting there, I really am. He'll be ok. He will be loved and taken care of and we will do whatever it takes to make sure he has a great social life and plenty of playmates. The thing I am finding it hard to get over is the resentment about how much money we have spent on this. Of course, if it works, it will be worth it and we will forget about the financial loss immediately. But what if it never does work again, And we have done another 8 cycles with nothing to show for it except a huge hole in our pockets? Where will I put my resentment then? How will I deal with it? 

Update fail!

I have become rubbish at updating my news. Maybe because it's all so familiar! IVF#12 was another BFN, and I have now gone back to our 2nd RE where we have 2 vials of sperm stored. He did a hyteroscopy and I started stims right away, this time with the antagonist protocol. I have had my first monitoring appointment and it is looking about the same as the last cycle to be honest. Five follicles of a reasonable size and a few tiny stragglers. I just hope that because of the way this RE does things, all 5 will be mature. And on, and on!

another 2ww drawing to a close

I am now 9dp4dt in my 12th fresh IVF cycle, 4th fresh since having my little boy. And it's that familiar feeling creeping in with 2 days left to wait. My boobs, which have been huge and hard, have softened and shrunk again. I feel like AF is on her way. Any little hope I had is drying up. And I have started to prepare myself for the inevitable BFN on Thursday. Planning for the disappointment and how I will deal with it. Thinking about our next move. We have 2 more vials of sperm in our home town, and 2 in the neighboring country. Cash is really tight, but my biological clock seems to be at about 5 to midnight and we can't waste time. Etc, etc, etc. My mind going into overdrive. Oh, let these 2 days go quickly.

Anyway, to recap, it was a pretty sucky cycle. They retrieved only 5 eggs, only 3 were mature and 2 fertilized. They were both still going on day 4, one perfect looking morula and one "more than 10 cells". I find it hard to accept that just last year I was getting 16 eggs and it has just divebombed so fast. I am tempted to go back to RE no. 2 (where our other vials are stored) and get a 2nd opinion about the stim cycles, if this shot fails.

Another bust.

IVF 11, or let's call it 2.3, so I can keep track of how many I have done for baby no.2. What can I say? Another failure. The new clinic said they don't like to give more than 6 x 75 IU Men.ogon per day, although on several previous cycles I have been on 8. Whether it made any difference I really don't know, but I only had 7 eggs, and only 5 were mature. It's a long way from the 16 I had got a couple of times before. Am I aging so fast? Only 3 fertilized, and by day 3 they were only 2, a 4-cell and a 2-cell. I went through a really hard couple of days after ET, I think it's the most I have cried since starting IVF. I don't know why. I'm just tired of it, and at that point I was totally ready to give up or go on to donor embryos.

But, as usual, I did bounce back within a few days, and although I knew it was going to be negative, I immediately started thinking about the next cycle. The day of the ET when my RE saw that I was upset, she said that if it didn't work we can maybe think about DHEA before the next cycle. It upset me even more at the time, it was like a confirmation that my age has suddenly become a major factor in our journey  (I'm 39). But when I went back to her after the BFN, she wasn't particularly encouraging about DHEA, and said things vary from month to month and we might well have a better result in a different month without any intervention. She really put the ball in our court.

AF came on today, so we have to decide by tomorrow whether to do a back-to-back cycle or whether to wait. It comes down to cashflow basically. I'd prefer to do it, and I feel pretty strong and healthy right now and have been eating well and taking care of myself a lot better.  I am at the stage, or rather the age, when I just hate hanging about and waiting for another month for no particular reason. If my fertility really is divebombing, we have to give our remaining 6 vials of sperm the best chance we can.  

The thing I hate most

The thing I hate most on this earth right now is hope. It creeps in uninvited, and soon it has taken over your house and settled in. And then it sits in your armchair and laughs at you when everything comes crumbling down.

My beta went down to 75. Of course it did! How could I have been such a fool? Who has a successful pregnancy with a beta of 8?

AF didn't come yet, although it feels like it will be here any minute. I am going on holiday in 5 days, so that would be the most bitter end, if I had to have a D&C in a foreign country and therefore have to tell Mic's family, who we're travelling with, what happened.

Things I have learned from this cycle (and I hope I never forget again):

1. My body is an absolute traitor and I will never believe any of its symptoms again.
2. I always thought it would be, but now I know, a miscarriage is way, way worse than a BFN.
3. 2015 is going to be a hell of a year. We are going to do back to back cycles starting in January until this either works or we run out of sperm. I am not looking forward to it but I just want to get it over with.
4. HPTs are stupid. I have the grit to wait for the beta, and at least it is accurate.

Still watching this space

Beta no. 4 was 112. So it doubled. Beta no. 5 is tomorrow, and I'm looking for 336. If it's all on track I'm pretty sure my REs won't ask for another one. But I'm equally sure I will do another one anyway. I'm such a bad patient, I am actually two-timing my REs :) I currently have 2 because one did the stimulation protocol and another did ER and ET. I am calling both with each result and they are each giving me different instructions, hence the ridiculous number of betas. It's suiting me so far!

I feel absolutely 100% pregnant, exactly the same feelings I had with my little boy. Huge boobs, sore legs, a heavy, pulling sensation very low down, and this morning, a couple of hours of nausea. And, the most comforting thing (touch wood) - no bleeding. The only time I got a bit of pink was when I ran out of crin.one just after my first beta and switched to utroges.tan. As soon as I got more crin.one it cleared up, which makes me think....was all the early bleeding I had during my last pregnancy something to do with the utroges.tan? My progesterone was low then, and although I haven't had it measured this time, it just doesn't feel low. That sounds ridiculous, how would I know what low progesterone feels like? But I just have the sense that my body is doing things right this time, like I feel how a just-pregnant woman should feel.

Again, I'm going to risk putting this out there: I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. Whatever happens, this is true for today.

Beta 'hell'

Soooooo...after beta number 1 came back at 8, at 11dp3dt, I did another one on 13dp3dt in the afternoon, and it was 32. And another one the next morning, which was 50. Which gives me an overall doubling time of 1.13 days. Beta no. 4 is tomorrow. But my REs are now saying "you are pregnant" and sounding pretty hopeful. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much but I have to admit it, I AM hopeful. I have a good feeling about this little fighter. And I hope I don't regret typing that out into the universe.