It doesn't look good

I can't even muster the energy to write a proper post about what has been going on. I have updated the "story so far" page with all the details. But briefly, I have had some bleeding (pink and brown, not fresh blood) and my betas have slowed down a lot. I had an ultrasound at 20dp2dt (5 weeks? 5 weeks 1 day? Something like that) and the RE found a tiny, tiny, possible gestational sac but nothing more, which is why she got me to go and do another beta. The doubling time slowed down to 90 hours then, and today I did another beta, which is still rising but with a doubling time of 99 hours.

I am 99.9999999% sure this pregnancy is not viable. But it's killing me to keep waiting and keep taking the luteal support (which could be artificially propping up the beta number). I begged my RE for another u/s and she said I could come in tomorrow.

That is all. I am trying, and failing, to keep my mind off it and keep busy.

Lucky number 13...

Sooooooooooooo. How can I put this?

Let's start from the day after my last post. I started with a terrible sore throat the day before transfer, so I showed up to ET feeling ill and depressed with the poor fertilization. They told me that overnight another one had fertilized, so we had one 4-cell and one 6-cell. 6 cells on day 2 is pretty weird, embryos should be 2-4 cells by then and after doing a bit of googling it seemed like a really fast-growing embryo might have chromosomal problems. Anyway, back they went.

Then my little boy got ill and I took him over the border with a high fever and an eye infection. Day by day I got worse as well, got the same sinus infection as my son which made my eyes swell up, and ended up with a bronchial cough. I assumed there was no way an embryo could survive through all that and so honestly didn't give the 2ww much of a thought.

Fast forward to April 18 (2 days ago) and I went for the beta, preparing myself as usual for the same old result. More than 2 hours later still no result, so I called the lab. They have never volunteered a result over the phone before so I was expecting just to remind them to send it to me. The young man on the other end of the phone said, "ok, just hold on a moment.....111." It didn't even register for a few seconds, and then I just said "Are you serious?" Fast forward again, through the bit where I never received the result by email and ended up phoning another branch of the same lab, who read me out an old result which was negative - heart on ground moment - but I eventually got the correct result on paper! And today was Beta no. 2, which was 286.

I can hardly believe we have been given another miracle. It's so early of course, anything could happen, but the beta numbers are encouraging for 12dp2dt and 14dp2dt.

I haven't even POAS yet, still. I actually forgot to buy pee sticks both yesterday and today, which is just bizarre. But since I have to wait until May 2nd for an u/s I think I will stock up to keep reassured every few days.

Today, internet, I am pregnant!

Ten steps forward, nine steps back

Yesterday was ER day. I had traveled to our neighboring country where we have 2 vials of frozen sperm stored. I had done all the monitoring appointments in our local clinic (my 4th RE clinic), and they were saying I should expect about 5 eggs. So I was super happy when they retrieved ten yesterday. Then I got the fert report this morning. Out of 6 mature eggs, only 1 fertilized. So we're doing a 2 day transfer tomorrow. If the embryo makes it till then. Man, I can't even process this. I don't even want to think about it.

I am working really hard on making peace with the idea that our little boy may be an only child. And I am getting there, I really am. He'll be ok. He will be loved and taken care of and we will do whatever it takes to make sure he has a great social life and plenty of playmates. The thing I am finding it hard to get over is the resentment about how much money we have spent on this. Of course, if it works, it will be worth it and we will forget about the financial loss immediately. But what if it never does work again, And we have done another 8 cycles with nothing to show for it except a huge hole in our pockets? Where will I put my resentment then? How will I deal with it? 

Update fail!

I have become rubbish at updating my news. Maybe because it's all so familiar! IVF#12 was another BFN, and I have now gone back to our 2nd RE where we have 2 vials of sperm stored. He did a hyteroscopy and I started stims right away, this time with the antagonist protocol. I have had my first monitoring appointment and it is looking about the same as the last cycle to be honest. Five follicles of a reasonable size and a few tiny stragglers. I just hope that because of the way this RE does things, all 5 will be mature. And on, and on!

another 2ww drawing to a close

I am now 9dp4dt in my 12th fresh IVF cycle, 4th fresh since having my little boy. And it's that familiar feeling creeping in with 2 days left to wait. My boobs, which have been huge and hard, have softened and shrunk again. I feel like AF is on her way. Any little hope I had is drying up. And I have started to prepare myself for the inevitable BFN on Thursday. Planning for the disappointment and how I will deal with it. Thinking about our next move. We have 2 more vials of sperm in our home town, and 2 in the neighboring country. Cash is really tight, but my biological clock seems to be at about 5 to midnight and we can't waste time. Etc, etc, etc. My mind going into overdrive. Oh, let these 2 days go quickly.

Anyway, to recap, it was a pretty sucky cycle. They retrieved only 5 eggs, only 3 were mature and 2 fertilized. They were both still going on day 4, one perfect looking morula and one "more than 10 cells". I find it hard to accept that just last year I was getting 16 eggs and it has just divebombed so fast. I am tempted to go back to RE no. 2 (where our other vials are stored) and get a 2nd opinion about the stim cycles, if this shot fails.

Another bust.

IVF 11, or let's call it 2.3, so I can keep track of how many I have done for baby no.2. What can I say? Another failure. The new clinic said they don't like to give more than 6 x 75 IU Men.ogon per day, although on several previous cycles I have been on 8. Whether it made any difference I really don't know, but I only had 7 eggs, and only 5 were mature. It's a long way from the 16 I had got a couple of times before. Am I aging so fast? Only 3 fertilized, and by day 3 they were only 2, a 4-cell and a 2-cell. I went through a really hard couple of days after ET, I think it's the most I have cried since starting IVF. I don't know why. I'm just tired of it, and at that point I was totally ready to give up or go on to donor embryos.

But, as usual, I did bounce back within a few days, and although I knew it was going to be negative, I immediately started thinking about the next cycle. The day of the ET when my RE saw that I was upset, she said that if it didn't work we can maybe think about DHEA before the next cycle. It upset me even more at the time, it was like a confirmation that my age has suddenly become a major factor in our journey  (I'm 39). But when I went back to her after the BFN, she wasn't particularly encouraging about DHEA, and said things vary from month to month and we might well have a better result in a different month without any intervention. She really put the ball in our court.

AF came on today, so we have to decide by tomorrow whether to do a back-to-back cycle or whether to wait. It comes down to cashflow basically. I'd prefer to do it, and I feel pretty strong and healthy right now and have been eating well and taking care of myself a lot better.  I am at the stage, or rather the age, when I just hate hanging about and waiting for another month for no particular reason. If my fertility really is divebombing, we have to give our remaining 6 vials of sperm the best chance we can.  

The thing I hate most

The thing I hate most on this earth right now is hope. It creeps in uninvited, and soon it has taken over your house and settled in. And then it sits in your armchair and laughs at you when everything comes crumbling down.

My beta went down to 75. Of course it did! How could I have been such a fool? Who has a successful pregnancy with a beta of 8?

AF didn't come yet, although it feels like it will be here any minute. I am going on holiday in 5 days, so that would be the most bitter end, if I had to have a D&C in a foreign country and therefore have to tell Mic's family, who we're travelling with, what happened.

Things I have learned from this cycle (and I hope I never forget again):

1. My body is an absolute traitor and I will never believe any of its symptoms again.
2. I always thought it would be, but now I know, a miscarriage is way, way worse than a BFN.
3. 2015 is going to be a hell of a year. We are going to do back to back cycles starting in January until this either works or we run out of sperm. I am not looking forward to it but I just want to get it over with.
4. HPTs are stupid. I have the grit to wait for the beta, and at least it is accurate.