Another bust.

IVF 11, or let's call it 2.3, so I can keep track of how many I have done for baby no.2. What can I say? Another failure. The new clinic said they don't like to give more than 6 x 75 IU Men.ogon per day, although on several previous cycles I have been on 8. Whether it made any difference I really don't know, but I only had 7 eggs, and only 5 were mature. It's a long way from the 16 I had got a couple of times before. Am I aging so fast? Only 3 fertilized, and by day 3 they were only 2, a 4-cell and a 2-cell. I went through a really hard couple of days after ET, I think it's the most I have cried since starting IVF. I don't know why. I'm just tired of it, and at that point I was totally ready to give up or go on to donor embryos.

But, as usual, I did bounce back within a few days, and although I knew it was going to be negative, I immediately started thinking about the next cycle. The day of the ET when my RE saw that I was upset, she said that if it didn't work we can maybe think about DHEA before the next cycle. It upset me even more at the time, it was like a confirmation that my age has suddenly become a major factor in our journey  (I'm 39). But when I went back to her after the BFN, she wasn't particularly encouraging about DHEA, and said things vary from month to month and we might well have a better result in a different month without any intervention. She really put the ball in our court.

AF came on today, so we have to decide by tomorrow whether to do a back-to-back cycle or whether to wait. It comes down to cashflow basically. I'd prefer to do it, and I feel pretty strong and healthy right now and have been eating well and taking care of myself a lot better.  I am at the stage, or rather the age, when I just hate hanging about and waiting for another month for no particular reason. If my fertility really is divebombing, we have to give our remaining 6 vials of sperm the best chance we can.  

The thing I hate most

The thing I hate most on this earth right now is hope. It creeps in uninvited, and soon it has taken over your house and settled in. And then it sits in your armchair and laughs at you when everything comes crumbling down.

My beta went down to 75. Of course it did! How could I have been such a fool? Who has a successful pregnancy with a beta of 8?

AF didn't come yet, although it feels like it will be here any minute. I am going on holiday in 5 days, so that would be the most bitter end, if I had to have a D&C in a foreign country and therefore have to tell Mic's family, who we're travelling with, what happened.

Things I have learned from this cycle (and I hope I never forget again):

1. My body is an absolute traitor and I will never believe any of its symptoms again.
2. I always thought it would be, but now I know, a miscarriage is way, way worse than a BFN.
3. 2015 is going to be a hell of a year. We are going to do back to back cycles starting in January until this either works or we run out of sperm. I am not looking forward to it but I just want to get it over with.
4. HPTs are stupid. I have the grit to wait for the beta, and at least it is accurate.

Still watching this space

Beta no. 4 was 112. So it doubled. Beta no. 5 is tomorrow, and I'm looking for 336. If it's all on track I'm pretty sure my REs won't ask for another one. But I'm equally sure I will do another one anyway. I'm such a bad patient, I am actually two-timing my REs :) I currently have 2 because one did the stimulation protocol and another did ER and ET. I am calling both with each result and they are each giving me different instructions, hence the ridiculous number of betas. It's suiting me so far!

I feel absolutely 100% pregnant, exactly the same feelings I had with my little boy. Huge boobs, sore legs, a heavy, pulling sensation very low down, and this morning, a couple of hours of nausea. And, the most comforting thing (touch wood) - no bleeding. The only time I got a bit of pink was when I ran out of crin.one just after my first beta and switched to utroges.tan. As soon as I got more crin.one it cleared up, which makes me think....was all the early bleeding I had during my last pregnancy something to do with the utroges.tan? My progesterone was low then, and although I haven't had it measured this time, it just doesn't feel low. That sounds ridiculous, how would I know what low progesterone feels like? But I just have the sense that my body is doing things right this time, like I feel how a just-pregnant woman should feel.

Again, I'm going to risk putting this out there: I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. Whatever happens, this is true for today.

Beta 'hell'

Soooooo...after beta number 1 came back at 8, at 11dp3dt, I did another one on 13dp3dt in the afternoon, and it was 32. And another one the next morning, which was 50. Which gives me an overall doubling time of 1.13 days. Beta no. 4 is tomorrow. But my REs are now saying "you are pregnant" and sounding pretty hopeful. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much but I have to admit it, I AM hopeful. I have a good feeling about this little fighter. And I hope I don't regret typing that out into the universe.

And on, and on, and on...

The beta came back today at 8. Obviously no chance for a viable pregnancy. I just hope AF shows within the next 3 days and I don't have to go through beta hell. My RE said I should stop all the meds but that if AF doesn't show within 3 days I have to do a repeat beta.

I am pissed. And sad. And in renewed amazement about actually having had a pregnancy at all and having given birth to our beautiful son. It's looking like our chances were always close to zero, so it's just a miracle that he could have happened.

With 7 vials of sperm left, and given that they used 2 this time round, and that each time they are using the best vials so the quality is going to keep going down, I really don't have a lot of hope left for another biological child. I estimate we have another 4 or 5 attempts max before all the sperm is gone, and it's pretty damn doubtful that any of them will result in anything. The donor embryo issue is picking away at my mind, and in a way I would love to just abandon the bio route and go for donor embryos right away. I know that Mic wouldn't agree though, and I just hope we can do back-to-back cycles starting in January and get this over with before I turn 40.

Another random observation: despite the result, I much preferred getting it direct from the beta and not faffing around with stupid HPTs. I would do it like that again.

changing the record

I have decided, in the spirit of shaking up the karma a bit, not to POAS on Saturday, but just to go for the beta. Yes, emotionally, I can take it, in case you're wondering! Mind you, whether I will truly make it that far is another question, because the AF cramps have kicked in full swing and I may well start bleeding before then. In which case all previous decisions will be chucked out the window for sure.

I am allowing myself 20 minutes a day to obsess pointlessly and google symptoms and success/failure stories. I know it's an absolutely ridiculous pursuit, but it's a bit like going on a diet - you need to have the occasional chocolate fix just to keep you going. I literally set a timer and when it's over I get on with my life and my work. It works for me :)

8dp3dt....whatever it is, it's coming

So the AF cramps have started now, and the little gurgly sounds in my stomach which signal AF is on her way. Or which signal my uterus is expanding. So all I know is that the result is on its way, pretty soon. Officially I test on 11dp3dt. And no way will I POAS before then, unless I have any bleeding. Not after last time (negative HPT on 8dp5dt and then positive on 11dp5dt).

3 more sleeps.